Letter to my Abuser

Hello again.

I'm through with you twisting my mind - making me doubt myself and my sanity. It's only the projection of your own insanity cast upon me.

You lurk around like a pussy, biding your time until you know I am alone, attempting to discredit me, defame me, in the eyes of the people around me. I'm crazy? A drug addict? A slut? Worthless? Oh, I make you sick? Why don't you come back when you've got some new material.

See, you can't hurt me. You can't bend my mind anymore. I've gotten stronger over the years. You have no idea who you are up against now.

You didn't know me then - never got over yourself enough to try - you certainly don't know me now. I didn't even know who I was then. Back then I was weak, I was broken. Not anymore. I know who I am now.

Is there anyone more dangerous than someone who knows their own mind? Knows both their strength and their weaknesses? I don't think there is.

Thank you. Although what you did was inexcusable, painful, and sick... It changed me. It taught me how strong I could be. It taught me I could heal. Once that healing began and I began to trust the world again the most incredible thing took place: I saw myself the way the rest of the world saw me... I saw myself through the eyes of the people who love and revered me.

Thank you. By accident, you made me a better mother, better friend - better companion to the person who will take you place in the future. I'll bet that was never part of your plans.

I honestly wish you no ill will. I nether feel hatred nor pity for you. In fact, I feel nothing. The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is indifference. I have become indifferent.


Melissa

I just gotta get through today

I'm fucking sad. I'm sad for future plans that were taken away from me. I'm sad my friend was taken from his family so needlessly... And at such a young age. I'm sad I'm so alone.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I gave all of myself to someone who never gave any of their self back, I'm angry that although I have had so many other people's backs that I am alone in what I am facing.

I want to cry for all I've lost - My mother, my hopes, my security, my confidence - i want to cry and cry and not stop. I want to give up. I want to alternately go on a spree of self destruction so ridiculous that I go out in a blaze  so bright no one can bear to look at it - But then, I kinda want to sleep and just never wake, letting the euphoria of release take over every part of me as well.

But I can't really allow myself to do any of those things. I have to stay. I need to be here to how my youngest son what pure love is - the kind with no expectations. I need to be here to so my middle son learns how to not be so angry and keep coaching him on. I need to be here for to tell my oldest how proud I am of him for never giving up on himself - no matter how much easier it would have been.

I can't do those things in giving up on myself. I can't give them reasons to stop. I need to be here to prove to myself, to them, that it was all worth it. So I can see once and for all the storms have passed -that I can live in peace - actually live and not just survive.

That's my pep talk to myself. What's the point in cutting out now after all the hard work has already been put in?  What kind of idiot leaves just before the pay off?

I love these stupid kids - I have sacrificed more than I care to admit for them. I could have done more - been more - but that's all past. No point in dwelling.

I feel no guilt. I have put 190% of myself into everything I have ever loved. Regardless of how much more I could have done. looking back, I'm smart enough to know that ultimately it may have done more harm than good had I done it.  Most of us have survived with minimal scars.

When I look back over my own bruises, some were self inflicted, others showed up along the way... Bruises are like that, really - either from hard (or clumsy) living or just a product of being human. This brings me to the hard part - admitting that I am a mess... a self-destructive, beautiful mess.

I don't know how to do this, but I'm pretty sure I've felt that same way when any of the other shit I've made it through happened and so far, my survival rate has been 100%.

So today - I chose to get through it. It might change me a little - It's supposed to, I guess. I'll just get through today.

I'm not arrogant enough to say it will all work out how I want, but I have enough empirical data to conclude that I will, indeed survive. I'm just going to let tomorrow happen - in the meantime, I keep telling myself - you just gotta get through today....

Remember How You Loved Me?

Remember when it was all still magical? Even to this day, when I look back at that time I can't recall many moments where we weren't smiling. We went everywhere together, missed each other when we were apart... It wasn't even all that long a go.

Would you believe me if I told you I can't remember the feeling of being held in  your arms when I slept? Strange, seeing as there was once a time where I couldn't imagine their absence. I've forgotten the way you used to look a me - the way your eyes would change. You said "I love you" in a way I've never heard before... or since.

I can't stay in those memories too long before the lump in my throat forms again, threatening to unleash a river of tears.

We were everything to each other; the future, the answered prayers of our past.

How you loved me...

How I still do....

I may not remember the way your strong arms felt when they held me - but it's only because the pain of your absence consumes me tot he point of forgetfulness.

I may not be able to recall being short of breath - gasping your name - but I'll never be able to shake the stutter brought on by sobs when I try to speak your name.

I have to believe you simply stopped loving me one morning upon waking and seeing my face - because the thought of you still loving me while choosing not to be here is too much for me to comprehend.

One day it will be easier, I imagine. The nights and days that pass without hearing your voice won't kill a little more of my soul at a time.

But right now, I'm not sure how I might make it through he night. What a stark contrast knowing that the only way I could sleep at night was with the thought of your love in my mind, to the reality of now - where I try not to sleep least the dreams of you should come and break my heart into a million  pieces all over again.

You tell me you want to discuss it all, that closure will come of beautiful words speaking fondly of better times -you tell me you still want me in your life. Well, I won't. The pain is too much to bear.

Every time I see you, my heart breaks again, remembering how easy it was to walk away.

"I loved every stupid broken piece of you. I swallowed your badness an held my hand out for more. People thought I was stupid or heroic - I don't know which is better. Do you remember sitting on that mountain? I watched the moonlight stream through the cracks of your heart and I kissed them. Your sad was so big it took up my whole world. There was nowhere I could turn without wanting to hold your hand. There was never any hope for us, and you knew that, but I was the only light that never left, so your wrapped your hands around my warmth like you would have died without it. I could have lived on that mountain forever, you know... I could have washed myself after each dirty day with you and come up clean, I could have been the only good thing. We could have called it love."