We'll start with Fluffy. He is a n 8 year old Mane Coon and also a future world leader. If you have not yet become acquainted with Fluffy, you can do so HERE. He's kind of an arrogant little bastard. For as big of a cat as he is, he has a very effeminate little meow. For a long time he would sleep in Middle-Boy's room... that is until Middle-Boy got tired of Fluffy hocking up hairballs on his bedding... Then he started locking him out. One night Middle-Boy and I were home alone in our respective bed rooms and we heard Fluffy start ot meow. Then, clear as day we heard the cat say "KYYYYY-UUUHHL".
Silence.
About a minute later, Middle-Boy (Kyle) comes in, looking a little pale, and says, "You heard that, right?" I just shook my head and we let it go. Otherwise, Fluffy just kind of slinks around the house looking like an arrogant little prick. Every once and a while he'll get a little catatonic (no pun intended) and spend a prolonged period of time staring at nothing. Sometimes he'll drool. I don't worry about it anymore though... I think he's just thinking about his investment portfolio and worrying obsessively about his IRA and 401K investments... and gun control. Don't step on his tail though, he screams exactly like a 4 year old girl.
Tiger-Wiley is next on the list. He was kind of dumped in my lap. I was cat sitting a female cat for a friend and discovered she was pregnant one morning, as she was giving birth at 5 am in my bed, inches away from my face. Good Morning! The cat had 5 kittens. One of them must have gotten in the middle of some kind of dog vs cat territory war and garnered himself a puncture wound straight through the top of his skull at just 4 weeks of age. I was certian he wasn't going to make it through the night.
He's 4 now.
He walks around the house talking loudly in a dialect of cat that Fluffy either doesn't understand or just deems him insignificant. fucker is always making noise. One of his favorite activities is singning the song of his people between 2 and 4 am, but only Sunday through Thursday. Prick. He also used to jump into your lap looking for attention in the way of a scratch or two. Once you started, though, he would wrap his paws around you and dig in with his razor sharp claws. Then he would follow this up with biting the skin between your thumb and index finger and refuse to let go.
He's a charmer.
Last on the list is Laney the Lab. She's a dick. If you come visit she will wait unitl you sit, run up to you, use her nose to pry your knees apart and then rub her ass between your legs. Talk about feeling violated. You are left not knowing weather your should put a single in her collar or feel violate... maybe both. She will only shit in the front yard and likes to rub the side of her body along the upstairs wall, leaving a dark line of dog yuck all along it. Gross. You clean it off and she goes right beack up there to re-lay it.
Her favorite place to eat is the cat box buffet. I swear to Gawd that I'm going to patent a new formula of dog food and get rich. I'm calling it either "Kibble and Shits" or "Pampers and Pieces." She spends more time eating Bugga's diapers out of the garbage than she does anything else.
Then she takes all the diapers and pulls them int oher crate with her, you know... so no one finds out.
The first time we discovered this was before the bay was born. Her crate used to be in our bedroom. One night I smelled this really odd odor and mentioned it to Ugga Bugga Dada. We could not find the source of the funk. After searching, we discovered it was Laney's crate. She had condiment containers. empty bags of bread, various food containers... Turns out his dog was a fucking hoarder. Awesome. We are still waiting for TLC to come and do her intervention.
What kind of asshole pets do you guys have? Leave stories in the form of comments below so I don't feel like a loser.
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