Although each chapter can be read as a stand-alone, reading both provides far more information on the devaluation stage in the narcissistic cycle of abuse. The order you choose to read them doesn't matter, I just happen to think the order they were written in makes the most sense... well, to me anyway.
By now, I'm sure the biggest question readers who have not experienced this cycle is... What the hell is wrong with you? Why on earth did you stay? How did you allow any of that to happen?!?!
That's a fair question. In fact, it's one I asked myself many, many times.
The answer? Trauma Bonds.
What is a Trauma Bond?
According to this Wikipedia entry, trauma bonds (aka traumatic bonds) are emotional bonds that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetrated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. This s similar to Stockholm Syndrome or Pavlovian Conditioning.
Trauma bonding is actually a result of one of the four survival mechanisms. Dr. Robert R. LaRusso describes these mechanisms as "innate basic survival 'computer-like' programs" He describes these four mechanisms as Feeding, Fight/Flight, Reproduction, and Immune System.
Dr. LaRusso states there are "factors that contribute to communication (neurological reflexes) breakdowns..." He lists dozens of these factors on his site and I encourage anyone interested in seeing the list in its entirety to take a look at his site here. The factors specific to our topic are abuse, emotional trauma, and environmental trauma. The existence of these factors alters the very core of the mechanisms themselves and how they function.
So, to put it simply, in order to survive the emotional/physical abuse, your subconscious creates a bond with the abuser.
In the narcissistic cycle of abuse, victims are occasionally rewarded with minimal love bombing. This ensures the victim remains a captive of the Narc, constantly holding out for the return of the 'good guy' who, in fact, never existed in the first place. Typical love bombing consists of the Narc attempts to express remorse for what they've done (think flowers for black eyes) and brings the relationship back to the honeymoon phase briefly, causing the victim to become psychologically addicted to their abuser.
In my personal experience, my then preschooler said it best - 'My dad tricks us. He pretends to be nice, but then he isn't."
What Kind of Behaviors are a Result of a Trauma Bond?
Definitely not healthy behaviors, that's for sure.
Trauma bonded victims learn to walk on eggshells in constant attempts to keep their abuser happy. These brief returns to the honeymoon days in between attacks eventually have victims blaming themselves for the actions of their abuser. Worst of all, all those amazing moments they flashback to in their mind from the beginning were never genuine in the first place. The Narc is actually incapable of love.
Ironically enough, trauma, fear, and abandonment have been proven to increase those feelings of attachment. The more a victim is abused, the more intense the attachment becomes. Trauma bonds are just as difficult to exist in as they are to break. In addition to self-blame, over time, the victim will begin to agree with the hurtful things said to them and become deeply co-dependent, believing that had they done better, the abuser wouldn't have to punish them in the first place.
Do Things Eventually Get Better?
No. Not genuinely anyhow.
When the victim tries to leave, the abuser will almost immediately revert to Romeo they were early on in order to win them back. Empty promises are often made, love bombing will commence once more. It may even appear as though they changed their ways for good this time.
Upon each return, things only get worse. The glimpses of happiness are fewer and farther between. After years, many victims begin to see their abuser as the only one who completes them. How lucky they are to have this partner who puts up with all of their flaws!
"Don't look for healing at the feet of these who broke you" Rupi Kaur
In Summary -
Through gaslighting and trauma bonding, the Narc keeps their victim in a constant state of confusion. I remember someone asking why I chose to stay in my situation. I said it hadn't always been that way. There was a period of time when we got along perfectly and I was treated like a prize. I had never been happier in all my life. I saw forever every time I looked into his eyes. Seriously, if things had started with nothing but the abuse, who the hell would stay to begin with?
If the cycle isn't broken, the victim will begin to suffer from a variety of mental health issues - such as depression, anxiety, OCD, and more. In physically abusive relationships the possibility of serious permanent injury or even death grows.
If you believe you are a victim of trauma bonding, please seek the help of a professional as soon as possible. Much like a chemical addiction, a trauma bond can be nearly impossible to break without help.
It's worth repeating that victims of narcissistic abuse cycles come in all forms - it doesn't matter how smart or secure you are - anyone is susceptible, although people raised in abusive settings are the most at risk. If the only normal you've ever known is abusive, it is only natural you would seek it out.
In fact, there are cases where this cycle continues from the Narc's childhood - it teaches them this is just how people behave. They are victims as well. However, in the case of a sociopathic or psychopathic person, these things are done purposely to simply manipulate and destroy others for their own satisfaction.
I hope all of this has given you a better insight and understanding regarding the second stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle. If you have any questions or would like to add anything, please feel free to reach out directly or comment below.
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