So, now that the love-bombing is over, what happens next?
Devaluation
According to Oxford, the definition of devaluation is "the reduction or underestimation of the worth or importance of something"
Coincidentally, the use of 'something' rather than 'someone' is extremely accurate when it comes to the narcissist. I've said it before and will say it again in order to stress the importance - to the Narcissist you are not valued as an individual, only as a source of 'supply'. What that 'supply' is, varies on a case by case, Narc by Narc basis, but primarily it attention either publicly (fame, recognition, etc) or privately (admiration, fear, etc).
The two most important vocabulary words for this stage are gaslighting and trauma bonding.Because both gaslighting and trauma bonds are huge parts of the devaluation stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle, I've dedicated each of them their own chapter. In this chapter, we'll focus on gaslighting.
Gaslighting
The term gaslighting stems from the American psychological thriller movie aptly titled, 'Gaslighting'. According to Wikipedia, it follows a young woman whose husband manipulates her into believing that she is decendng into insanity. Paula (the wife) was raised by worl-famous opera singer Alice Alquist (her aunt) after the death of her parents in London. Alice was murdered in her home during a robbery. The robber left without the valuable jewels he killed her for after being distracted by Paula.After the murder, Paula is sent to Italy to train as an opera singer herself.
Years later, she meets and marries Gregory Anton after a two week long whirlwind romance. He insists they return to London, where Paula has no connections or family, to live in her Aunt's vacant home. To relieve her anxiety in regards to her Aunt's murder, all of Alice's things are moved to the attic. That's when things get weird. She loses an heirloom broach given to her by Gregory, despite its having been stored safely in her handbag prior to leaving for the evening. A picture disappears from its place on the wall and Gregory says she took it, one of many occasions of her removing and hiding things, despite her having no recollection of doing so. She hears footsteps coming from the sealed attic, and sees the gaslight dim and brighten for no apparent reason. Gregory insists its her imagination.
Gradually, he isolates her completely from the outside world for her 'own good' because her nerves have been acting up. he then accuses her of becoming a kletomaniac. When any one expresses an interest in her, he makes a scene... On the occasion he does take her out to a friends party, he shows Paula his watch chain, from which his watch has mysteriously disappears, Gregory 'finds it' in her handbag, causing her to become hysterical and he takes her home. Paula begins to believe she should not go out in public. He also convinces her that their young maid hates her.
What Paula doesn't know is that her husband is really Sergis Bauer, the man who murdered her Aunt. He married her with the intention of getting Alice's jewels. He employs a cunning strategy to convince his wife that she is going mad, hoping to have her institutionalized, giving him power of attouny over her, allowing him to search for the jewels without her interference. The only thing that saves Paula is the intervention Scotland Yard officer Cameron, a childhood friend of her Aunt's from childhood. He comes to check on her one day and confirms that the things she is seeing are real and that she is not losing her mind,
Now, without going much deeper into the movie plot (I recommend seeing it to anyone who wants much clearer depiction of what gaslighting looks like), let's take a moment to see how this would unfold in the devaluation stage of the Narcissitic cycle of abuse.
In an effort to weaken the defences of the supply, the Narc begins the manipulation of the victim once they are 'hooked'. The victim will start to notice incidents of cruelty in the relationship. Little snarky and hurtful remarks here and there are easily justified, however. The victim often defends and justifies the behavior to others by saying things like:
"He's just having a hard time at work, he doesn't mean to be like that."
"I know how it sounds, but he had a rough childhood. He was abused badly and sometimes he just says things like that. He's just venting"
Often times, the victim will even take the blame for the behavior, believing their actions or words have made the Narc behave in such ways.
"It's my fault, really. I was lazy and didn't clean up like he wanted me to."
"If I had been more attentive to his needs, rather than my own, he wouldn't say such things."
I think you get it.
When the two of you go out with friends, the Narc may suggest forgoing calories and having a salad 'for your own good, you've been putting a little weight on' or that 'going out for dinner was a good call. There's no reason we ALL needed to endure your cooking'
Perhaps it is comes way of back-handed compliements such as 'You look amazing in that blue dress, it's a far better choice than the white one you were going to wear. I don't want to be seen with a pig' or 'You are so much prettier when you don't cake all that makeup on your face. It makes you look like a clown."
There are times where no kindness is offered at all - just cruelty. When asked why the Narc yelling so loudly, the response may be 'If you would listen the first time, I wouldn't have to yell all the time.' Eventually, everything becomes the blame of the victim. Why did the Narc cheat? Because you just don't give him what he needs because you are lazy/fat/sick, etc.
Here's list of phrases used in gaslighting. If you're in a relationship or have been previously with a Narcissist, I'm certain you will recognize a few of these:
- Stop being so insecure
- I'm just joking
- You're making things up
- You aren't making any sense
- Stop trying to confuse me
- You never remember things correctly
- You have a very active imagination
- You're always trying to pick a fight
- I'm not going through this again
- Why would you let something so stupid come between us?
- You're making this more of a big deal than it is
- Get over it already
- I never said/did that
- You never told me that
- You are confusing me with someone else
It doesn't matter how intelligent you are, what your status in life is, how much money you have, anyone can fall victim to this behavior. Personally, I have a degree in psychology and it didn't spare me. In fact, I'd never allow previously (or will ever again) for anyone to ever treat me in such a manner. However, if told how stupid/fat/useless a person is long enough, they eventually begin to believe them. Why else would the person you love say such things?
But why do victims stay with their Narc partner? The answer is because of trauma-bonding. In Chapter #5 we will dive deep into what a trauma bond is and what it does to the victim. Once we've gone through both of these, I'll share my personal experience with them.
I don't care what anyone says otherwise...YOU ARE ENOUGH
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