I just gotta get through today

I'm fucking sad. I'm sad for future plans that were taken away from me. I'm sad my friend was taken from his family so needlessly... And at such a young age. I'm sad I'm so alone.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I gave all of myself to someone who never gave any of their self back, I'm angry that although I have had so many other people's backs that I am alone in what I am facing.

I want to cry for all I've lost - My mother, my hopes, my security, my confidence - i want to cry and cry and not stop. I want to give up. I want to alternately go on a spree of self destruction so ridiculous that I go out in a blaze  so bright no one can bear to look at it - But then, I kinda want to sleep and just never wake, letting the euphoria of release take over every part of me as well.

But I can't really allow myself to do any of those things. I have to stay. I need to be here to how my youngest son what pure love is - the kind with no expectations. I need to be here to so my middle son learns how to not be so angry and keep coaching him on. I need to be here for to tell my oldest how proud I am of him for never giving up on himself - no matter how much easier it would have been.

I can't do those things in giving up on myself. I can't give them reasons to stop. I need to be here to prove to myself, to them, that it was all worth it. So I can see once and for all the storms have passed -that I can live in peace - actually live and not just survive.

That's my pep talk to myself. What's the point in cutting out now after all the hard work has already been put in?  What kind of idiot leaves just before the pay off?

I love these stupid kids - I have sacrificed more than I care to admit for them. I could have done more - been more - but that's all past. No point in dwelling.

I feel no guilt. I have put 190% of myself into everything I have ever loved. Regardless of how much more I could have done. looking back, I'm smart enough to know that ultimately it may have done more harm than good had I done it.  Most of us have survived with minimal scars.

When I look back over my own bruises, some were self inflicted, others showed up along the way... Bruises are like that, really - either from hard (or clumsy) living or just a product of being human. This brings me to the hard part - admitting that I am a mess... a self-destructive, beautiful mess.

I don't know how to do this, but I'm pretty sure I've felt that same way when any of the other shit I've made it through happened and so far, my survival rate has been 100%.

So today - I chose to get through it. It might change me a little - It's supposed to, I guess. I'll just get through today.

I'm not arrogant enough to say it will all work out how I want, but I have enough empirical data to conclude that I will, indeed survive. I'm just going to let tomorrow happen - in the meantime, I keep telling myself - you just gotta get through today....