Chapter #6 - What the Devaluation Stage Looks Like - My Story - Pt 1

 This entry is going to be difficult for me to write for several reasons: 

1. I do not want backlash of any type. Not for me, not for him. I understand I have a right to tell my story, but I don't want it to be at the expense of someone else.
2. I have children who are affected by this story and my healing should never come at the expense of someone else. 
3. For the very obvious reason - this is all a very, very personal story. I am a private person - putting it all out there is kinda scary. 

I'm going to do my very best to protect the identity of all parties - If you are a close friend or family member, there isn't much I can do in the way of keeping everyone's anonymity, so I have one request for all of you:

    Every person in this story has had the ability to move on and heal. I am writing it as a part of my healing process and to help anyone else who might be of benefit. I think it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that this is MY story. That means it's told from my perspective and no one else's. 

Having said all of that, bear with me as I speak my truth. If your version varies from mine, by all means, let me know, but do it without malaise. 

Thanks 

Even knowing that I lived all of this when I look back, it seems so... stupid. That's the only word that works here. Stupid. This is a stupid, stupid story. But the people in it are not. 

I was head over heels in love with this man. When I couldn't sleep at night I'd just look over at him and this feeling, a warm feeling - would just wash over me leaving me with such a feeling of contentment. Have you ever felt that way about someone before? It's overwhelming. Feeling like that never completely vanish. I think that's what makes all of it so hard. In the end, after all was said and done - he kept a part of me. 

I think this feeling is best described by a favorite author of mine, Augusten Burroughs, when he said, "Do not wait for the healing to arrive. It will never come. The holes will never leave or be filled with anything at all. But holes are interesting things." Think about that for a minute. 

Anyway, I digress. 

Things were beyond fairytale amazing. I finally found someone with whom I could experience that "love of a lifetime" type of love that I always thought was just for lucky people. In that moment, at that time, in that place... I was one of those lucky people. 

Then I wasn't lucky anymore all of the sudden. 

I was also no longer funny, intelligent, interesting, or beautiful. I was just... well, I don't know what I was, but I know I felt like I was just in the way- a continuation of the string of disappointments and sheer letdowns that had been the sum of his life. I never wanted that. I never wanted to be the cause of his pain - and yet, it seemed like that was exactly what I ended up becoming. This created a deep shame in me. 

Looking back, it didn't happen overnight - it happened so slowly and subtly over time that it seemed like nothing changed at all. I touched upon the fact that I had bared my soul to him earlier. He was, in spirit, standing right along next to me as my mother was dying and quite realistically the only light in a dark place during that time. I said I told him all of my darkest and most shameful parts of me because he didn't technically exist in my life (as an online-only friend) and it was safe, but why doesn't make a difference. He was one of the very few people who knew me - ugly side and all. 

And he used those things against me every chance he got. 

If I said or did something he found distasteful or stupid, he'd tell me that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that I was raised by garbage like my mom. It wasn't my fault that I was brought up to live in social disgrace.

My mother and I had a very, very difficult and complicated relationship to put it lightly. I was so angry and hurt for so long I'm not sure I even knew why any longer. I shared a lot of those memories with him, obviously. One day he was upset with me and made a remark about my mother. I don't remember what it was exactly, but it was along the lines of 'your mother was a loser ad she ruined you'. I was so taken back - He'd never met my mother... never even spoke to her on the phone.  

When I reacted to the way he spoke about my mom, he looked at me like I was crazy. He said, "You said yourself your mother was a piece of shit." I did, in fact. It was just fine for me to talk that way because she was my mother. That doesn't make it ok for others to join in. More than that, he was making negative remarks about a woman he hadn't ever had a single interaction with, It made me regret sharing my feelings about my mother with him. 

It wasn't just in private. I recall a specific incident while I was pregnant with our son and we were visiting family. He had been drinking a bit to settle his nerves, so his filter disappeared, Once again, I have no recollection of how the subject turned to my mother, but he broke into the conversation and said something to the effect of 'Melissa's mother was trash, but we're not going to be like that, are we? I won't have any son being raised by trash." 

I had no idea what to say after that. My mouth opened but nothing came out. I must have looked as mortified as I felt because one of the family remembers swooped in and changed the subject quickly. I was so embarrassed... There was absolutely no graceful way to handle the situation. If I brushed it off, it would come across as being something that happened all the time; which, at this point anyway, it did not. If I started to get upset, it may cause an argument and further embarrassment. If the subject hadn't been so quickly changed I'm not sure what would have happened. To this day I am grateful for that...but no less embarrassed. 

The drinking became a constant. No matter what I said, he continued to drink while driving the car.... no matter who was in it. It was around this point that I started making excuses for him frequently. We rented a hotel suite for one of the boy's birthday parties and he drove a few of my friend's kids to their house, or the hotel, I don't know. It hardly matters. What did matter, is that my friend, the kid's mom noticed he was drinking and was livid. This was the first time I recall feeling shame.

When she made a big production out of it all, as she should have, I was once again completely clueless as to what to do or say. I actually recall that moment very specifically for some reason. I remember thinking to myself that my friend was absolutely in the right for her reaction. At the same time, I just knew that if I didn't take his side, it would create a problem. Hell, I was screwed regardless of what side I chose. 

So, I did nothing and was completely mortified. 

I imagine that 'nothing' came across as a half-assed shrug whilst regarding my footwear. That reaction was very out of character for me - I had always been outspoken and never hesitated to speak my mind. In fact, I knew then it was out of character. Ironically, I remember laughing to myself, thinking - women who explain away bruises must feel a little like this. But in my mind this wasn't abuse, abuse was black eyes and broken glass. This was just an uncomfortable situation. 

As time went by, things continued to blur my boundaries, and little by little, I lost control over my life. 

One of my sons was by his dad's house on a night when there were a lot of adults drinking. I was sitting at home and my ex was out delivering pizzas when his dad called me. The adults had apparently been drinking too much and my son's after was having a disagreement with his girlfriend - I couldn't really make out the details. Either way, one thing came across loud and clear - he was rather amped up and very vocal about how he couldn't take it anymore; he was going to kill himself. I did mention our son was over there, right? 

He'd always had a penchant for drama, but this was a whole other level of stupid. It was very obvious that my son was in the background hearing all this play out. All I could think about was how my son must be feeling at the moment. (to be fair, this one had issues of his own that I won't be addressing - well, here anyway) My son had a tendency to take on the 'responsibility' of his father - even to think about it now tears at my heart - but also begins to paint an ugly picture about my inability to make good choices.

My ex was still working and I was without a car. I contacted him at work immediately and explained the situation at hand and he dropped everything and rushed home to help. Meanwhile, I remained on the phone with my son's dad listening and trying to seem sensitive and concerned about his well-being. 

Once he arrived back home, I jumped into the car with him and we sped to get my son. I was still attempting to placate the boy's dad and pretend to be sympathetic to his cause. Once we arrived, I rolled down the window and told my son to get in the car.  As long as I live, I will never forget the look of panic mixed with relief as he got in. 

Once I was certain he was out of earshot, I immediately dropped the concerned friend act and gave him a look that would have revived a corpse just to kill it again. I looked directly into his eyes and said, "You fucked up. Who the hell do you think you are acting like some kind of high school emo girl and threatening suicide in front of your fucking son?!?" 

Although once again, I don't remember specifically, I likely finished my thought with something vicious and equally inappropriate and got back in the car. 

It was silent for a bit before m ex decided to speak up, offering his unwanted opinion about the display that unfolded. He was.... very opinionated. He turned to my son and expressed very freely his feelings about his father's behavior. I believe words like "white trash" and "loser" were thrown around. I want to say I interjected to tell him to stop talking about my son's dad like that to him. I want to, but I'm also greatly fucking embarrassed to admit that I'm unsure if I had.

My son, however, spoke up immediately to say, "You don't think I realize my dad is a loser? I don't need you to tell me that!" This, for some reason, was taken as a disrespectful thing for him to have said. Everything from that point on escalated so quickly that it couldn't be stopped. By the time we pulled into our driveway they were screaming at each other (my son was 12) and I was crying and begging them to settle down. 

As soon as the car stopped, my son got out of the car and slammed the door closed in anger. That was the final straw for my ex. Before I could even begin to comprehend what was happening, my ex ran up to my son, grabbed him by the neck, and held him against the garage screaming, "Don't you EVER slam that door again!"

I either yelled or grabbed him so he'd let go of my son. I'm embarrassed to say I truly don't remember a single thing that took place that night, but I do know from this point forward my ex and my 12-year-old son had complete disdain for one another. 

In between these events (these being just two examples), the man I started dating would return. He would be all over me and shower me with affection. This pattern of behavior led me to believe the problem was me; that somehow all of his outbursts and insults were my fault. I was treating him poorly, but try as I might, I couldn't figure out what exactly I was doing wrong. 

I remember the first time I thought that perhaps I had made a mistake - I was 6 months into my pregnancy. My 12-year-old had a baseball game and my ex was supposed to drive us there, seeing as I did not have a valid license to drive. An hour or so before we were supposed to leave, it became very apparent he had drunk far too much to be able to drive, so I told him I would drive my son, leaving my ex behind at the house. His drinking had become an undeniable issue - I felt that having him go with would only lead to embarrassment. 

I grabbed the car keys and started to leave with my son and suddenly my ex freaked out. It was standard practice that I take the car and drive when he didn't feel want to. I sometimes took it to work, the grocery store, or anytime he didn't want to get up early or leave the house, so to simply grab the keys and go wasn't out of the norm. For one reason or another, this was an issue. 

While he and I were arguing, my son and I made our way to the car. The yelling continued outside to the driveway. Once we got inside, I locked the doors so he couldn't get in and started the car, but the sunroof was still open. In most cases, once I began to take any action, the rage would sort of fizzle out - not like he was afraid or in the wrong, simply because he had lost interest in the argument. That didn't happen this time. 

As I started to back out of the driveway my ex jumped on top of the car and reached into the sunroof to get to me. By that point, I was acting solely on survival instinct. When he reached inside to grab me, all he was able to grab were the sunglasses on my head. I just kept reversing out of the driveway until he got off the car screaming he was going to report it as stolen. 

We did make it to the game. It never occurred to me how it would affect my son - my mind wouldn't let me think past the event itself. While he played his game I remained in the car and just cried. I felt because I was pregnant there was no leaving and worse than that, I was dragging yet another innocent human into all of this. 

That night was the first night I reached out to his family for help. They said they would come to get him and the car and bring him back up north where they all lived. That was when I panicked. I found myself not wanting him to go and said I would see how the night progressed and get back to them. Thankfully, he was asleep when we returned and the rest of the night was without incident. I sat up all night on the couch and cried.

The next morning I talked to him once he woke up sober about what happened and he was horrified - or so it seemed. Despite the damage done, we were all able to live the next 6 months without any major issues. 

This is where I'm going to stop for now. The purpose of telling my experience is not to make him look bad or laundry list all the things he did - for the most part, my intent is to show how I reacted to it all. Most people would have left after any one of these incidents. Hell, I would have left any situation like this in the past - but I wasn't me anymore. I was broken. I stood silent as these events continued to occur. I didn't stand up for myself or my kids. I explained away and justified everything to anyone who witnessed it. I would silently wish he would just wait until we were alone to belittle me. 

This is just a small glimpse of what devaluation looked like in my experience. I thought at the time it was all attributed to his drinking, and I'm sure quite a bit was. The things he would do and say were very subtle when he was sober. He was also using K2 (also known as 'spice') then. For those of you who don't know what it is, you can read a bit about it here. From what I have seen, the substance is as addictive as heroin and the withdrawal, in his case, was similar to it as well. I firmly believe it caused psychotic episodes for him and don't think he ever really returned to his prior self after he quit using it. 

Because of those factors, I was even more confident things could be amazing once more - he just needed help to get sober. He wasn't the only one who was forever changed by these events - I would never be the same either. My sense of self-worth, my confidence, and even how I processed the words and actions of others were deeply affected. I'm not sure I was ever fully restored to my former self. 

Chapter #5 - Stage 2 - Devaluation - Trauma Bonds

In Chapter #4, we talked about the second stage in the narcissistic cycle of abuse, devaluation, with a focus on gaslighting. If you somehow missed it, click here. 

Although each chapter can be read as a stand-alone, reading both provides far more information on the devaluation stage in the narcissistic cycle of abuse.  The order you choose to read them doesn't matter, I just happen to think the order they were written in makes the most sense... well, to me anyway. 

By now, I'm sure the biggest question readers who have not experienced this cycle is... What the hell is wrong with you? Why on earth did you stay? How did you allow any of that to happen?!?!

That's a fair question. In fact, it's one I asked myself many, many times. 

The answer? Trauma Bonds.

What is a Trauma Bond?

According to this Wikipedia entry, trauma bonds (aka traumatic bonds) are emotional bonds that arise from a  recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetrated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. This s similar to Stockholm Syndrome or Pavlovian Conditioning.

Trauma bonding is actually a result of one of the four survival mechanisms. Dr. Robert R. LaRusso describes these mechanisms as "innate basic survival 'computer-like' programs" He describes these four mechanisms as Feeding, Fight/Flight, Reproduction, and Immune System.

Dr. LaRusso states there are "factors that contribute to communication (neurological reflexes) breakdowns..." He lists dozens of these factors on his site and I encourage anyone interested in seeing the list in its entirety to take a look at his site here. The factors specific to our topic are abuse, emotional trauma, and environmental trauma. The existence of these factors alters the very core of the mechanisms themselves and how they function. 

So, to put it simply, in order to survive the emotional/physical abuse, your subconscious creates a bond with the abuser. 

In the narcissistic cycle of abuse, victims are occasionally rewarded with minimal love bombing. This ensures the victim remains a captive of the Narc, constantly holding out for the return of the 'good guy' who, in fact, never existed in the first place. Typical love bombing consists of the Narc attempts to express remorse for what they've done (think flowers for black eyes) and brings the relationship back to the honeymoon phase briefly, causing the victim to become psychologically addicted to their abuser.  

In my personal experience, my then preschooler said it best - 'My dad tricks us. He pretends to be nice, but then he isn't."

What Kind of Behaviors are a Result of a Trauma Bond? 

Definitely not healthy behaviors, that's for sure. 

Trauma bonded victims learn to walk on eggshells in constant attempts to keep their abuser happy. These brief returns to the honeymoon days in between attacks eventually have victims blaming themselves for the actions of their abuser. Worst of all, all those amazing moments they flashback to in their mind from the beginning were never genuine in the first place. The Narc is actually incapable of love.

Ironically enough, trauma, fear, and abandonment have been proven to increase those feelings of attachment. The more a victim is abused, the more intense the attachment becomes. Trauma bonds are just as difficult to exist in as they are to break. In addition to self-blame, over time, the victim will begin to agree with the hurtful things said to them and become deeply co-dependent, believing that had they done better, the abuser wouldn't have to punish them in the first place. 

Do Things Eventually Get Better? 

No. Not genuinely anyhow. 

When the victim tries to leave, the abuser will almost immediately revert to Romeo they were early on in order to win them back. Empty promises are often made, love bombing will commence once more. It may even appear as though they changed their ways for good this time. 

Upon each return, things only get worse. The glimpses of happiness are fewer and farther between. After years, many victims begin to see their abuser as the only one who completes them. How lucky they are to have this partner who puts up with all of their flaws! 

"Don't look for healing at the feet of these who broke you" Rupi Kaur

In Summary -

Through gaslighting and trauma bonding, the Narc keeps their victim in a constant state of confusion. I remember someone asking why I chose to stay in my situation. I said it hadn't always been that way. There was a period of time when we got along perfectly and I was treated like a prize. I had never been happier in all my life. I saw forever every time I looked into his eyes. Seriously, if things had started with nothing but the abuse, who the hell would stay to begin with? 

If the cycle isn't broken, the victim will begin to suffer from a variety of mental health issues - such as depression, anxiety, OCD, and more. In physically abusive relationships the possibility of serious permanent injury or even death grows. 

If you believe you are a victim of trauma bonding, please seek the help of a professional as soon as possible. Much like a chemical addiction, a trauma bond can be nearly impossible to break without help. 

It's worth repeating that victims of narcissistic abuse cycles come in all forms - it doesn't matter how smart or secure you are - anyone is susceptible, although people raised in abusive settings are the most at risk. If the only normal you've ever known is abusive, it is only natural you would seek it out. 

In fact, there are cases where this cycle continues from the Narc's childhood - it teaches them this is just how people behave. They are victims as well. However, in the case of a sociopathic or psychopathic person, these things are done purposely to simply manipulate and destroy others for their own satisfaction. 

I hope all of this has given you a better insight and understanding regarding the second stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle. If you have any questions or would like to add anything, please feel free to reach out directly or comment below.

Chapter #4 - Stage 2 - Devaluation - Gaslighting

 So, now that the love-bombing is over, what happens next? 

Devaluation 

According to Oxford, the definition of devaluation is "the reduction or underestimation of the worth or importance of something" 

Coincidentally, the use of 'something' rather than 'someone' is extremely accurate when it comes to the narcissist. I've said it before and will say it again in order to stress the importance - to the Narcissist you are not valued as an individual, only as a source of 'supply'. What that 'supply' is, varies on a case by case, Narc by Narc basis, but primarily it attention either publicly (fame, recognition, etc) or privately (admiration, fear, etc). 

The two most important vocabulary words for this stage are gaslighting and trauma bonding.Because both gaslighting and trauma bonds are huge parts of the devaluation stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle, I've dedicated each of them their own chapter. In this chapter, we'll focus on gaslighting.

Gaslighting

The term gaslighting stems from the American psychological thriller movie aptly titled, 'Gaslighting'. According to Wikipedia, it follows a young woman whose husband manipulates her into believing that she is decendng into insanity. Paula (the wife) was raised by worl-famous opera singer Alice Alquist (her aunt) after the death of her parents in London. Alice was murdered in her home during a robbery. The robber left without the valuable jewels he killed her for after being distracted by Paula.After the murder, Paula is sent to Italy to train as an opera singer herself.

Years later, she meets and marries Gregory Anton after a two week long whirlwind romance. He insists they return to London, where Paula has no connections or family, to live in her Aunt's vacant home. To relieve her anxiety in regards to her Aunt's murder, all of Alice's things are moved to the attic. That's when things get weird. She loses an heirloom broach given to her by Gregory, despite its having been stored safely in her handbag prior to leaving for the evening. A picture disappears from its place on the wall and Gregory says she took it, one of many occasions of her removing and hiding things, despite her having no recollection of doing so. She hears footsteps coming from the sealed attic, and sees the gaslight dim and brighten for no apparent reason. Gregory insists its her imagination. 

Gradually, he isolates her completely from the outside world for her 'own good' because her nerves have been acting up. he then accuses her of becoming a kletomaniac. When any one expresses an interest in her, he makes a scene... On the occasion he does take her out to a friends party, he shows Paula his watch chain, from which his watch has mysteriously disappears, Gregory 'finds it' in her handbag, causing her to become hysterical and he takes her home. Paula begins to believe she should not go out in public. He also convinces her that their young maid hates her. 

What Paula doesn't know is that her husband is really Sergis Bauer, the man who murdered her Aunt. He married her with the intention of getting Alice's jewels. He employs a cunning strategy to convince his wife that she is going mad, hoping to have her institutionalized, giving him power of attouny over her, allowing him to search for the jewels without her interference. The only thing that saves Paula is the intervention Scotland Yard officer Cameron, a childhood friend of her Aunt's from childhood. He comes to check on her one day and confirms that the things she is seeing are real and that she is not losing her mind, 

Now, without going much deeper into the movie plot (I recommend seeing it to anyone who wants much clearer depiction of what gaslighting looks like), let's take a moment to see how this would unfold in the devaluation stage of the Narcissitic cycle of abuse. 

In an effort to weaken the defences of the supply, the Narc begins the manipulation of the victim once they are 'hooked'. The victim will start to notice incidents of cruelty in the relationship. Little snarky and hurtful remarks here and there are easily justified, however. The victim often defends and justifies the behavior to others by saying things like:

        "He's just having a hard time at work, he doesn't mean to be like that."

        "I know how it sounds, but he had a rough childhood. He was abused badly and sometimes he just                 says things like that. He's just venting"

Often times, the victim will even take the blame for the behavior, believing their actions or words have made the Narc behave in such ways.

        "It's my fault, really. I was lazy and didn't clean up like he wanted me to."

        "If I had been more attentive to his needs, rather than my own, he wouldn't say such things."

I think you get it. 

When the two of you go out with friends, the Narc may suggest forgoing calories and having a salad 'for your own good, you've been putting a little weight on' or that 'going out for dinner was a good call. There's no reason we ALL needed to endure your cooking' 

Perhaps it is comes way of back-handed compliements such as 'You look amazing in that blue dress, it's a far better choice than the white one you were going to wear. I don't want to be seen with a pig' or 'You are so much prettier when you don't cake all that makeup on your face. It makes you look like a clown."

There are times where no kindness is offered at all - just cruelty. When asked why the Narc yelling so loudly, the response may be 'If you would listen the first time, I wouldn't have to yell all the time.' Eventually, everything becomes the blame of the victim. Why did the Narc cheat? Because you just don't give him what he needs because you are lazy/fat/sick, etc. 

Here's list of phrases used in gaslighting. If you're in a relationship or have been previously with a Narcissist, I'm certain you will recognize a few of these:

• Stop being so insecure
• I'm just joking
• You're making things up
• You aren't making any sense
• Stop trying to confuse me
• You never remember things correctly
• You have a very active imagination
• You're always trying to pick a fight
• I'm not going through this again
• Why would you let something so stupid come between us?
• You're making this more of a big deal than it is
• Get over it already 
• I never said/did that
• You never told me that
• You are confusing me with someone else

Sound familiar? 

It doesn't matter how intelligent you are, what your status in life is, how much money you have, anyone can fall victim to this behavior. Personally, I have a degree in psychology and it didn't spare me. In fact, I'd never allow previously (or will ever again) for anyone to ever treat me in such a manner. However, if told how stupid/fat/useless a person is long enough, they eventually begin to believe them. Why else would the person you love say such things? 

But why do victims stay with their Narc partner? The answer is because of trauma-bonding.  In Chapter #5 we will dive deep into what a trauma bond is and what it does to the victim. Once we've gone through both of these, I'll share my personal experience with them. 

I don't care what anyone says otherwise...YOU ARE ENOUGH