Chapter #3 - Idealization follow-up - My Experience

How the First Stage Looked in My Experience

Initially, my ex and I connected (of all places!) on Myspace sometime during 2006. 

We had mutual online friends and eventually, we ended up chatting. Fortunately for him, I was very eager to divulge my vulnerabilities. I viewed the concept of online-only friends as a safe place. You could tell them absolutely anything without fear of repercussion because you'd never meet them in real life... Well, let this be a lesson for all of us. 

Our relationship kicked into high gear around 2009 as my mom was dying. I was traveling back and forth between Illinois and Florida to spend time with her. This was truly an awful time in my life. While all of that was going on, I was also breaking up with someone. As I posted little updates about my mother's condition and things of that nature I'd get a lot of responses. However, the most encouraging were all from him. 

It got to a point where I'd wait for those responses; the banter. His words were so encouraging and sweet. He would call me on occasion, always pretending to be a military recruiter of some sort, and just crack me up. He was amazing. 

Someone asked me something about my relationship with him and it struck me... I don't remember the question exactly, but I remember (although we weren't together at the time) my response perfectly. I said our relationship was great at the beginning. He was so sweet and kind. It wasn't always terrible. That's why I kept coming back to it. I had never felt so loved in my life.

Our relationship progressed so quickly - we had only met in person two times before we decided he was going to move in. It was a weird time, honestly. I had two teenage boys, one of which had some dad issues, and was under the impression that he had a say in what happened in my personal life. He didn't want to see his mom get hurt so behaved like a little jerk to any man who got within 40 ft of me. I think both my son and my ex saw right through one another. This set the stage for a lot of conflicts. 

It was hard to determine a lot of the little pokes he made. We were both drinking for quite a bit initially, I stopped when it was time for normal life to resume, he continued. This created a lot of conflicts as well. He drank way too much. 

He disclosed a fair amount of information on past relationships; in which every single one he was abused or otherwise victimized, The women were horrible creatures who took advantage of him, were spiteful, even violent. He'd always end the tail with the same lines - How he feels so bad for those women, how he just tried to help. At least all but one - his most recent ex. 

She would call constantly, most often when she was drinking, leaving long, crazy, and angry voicemails. One day I decided enough was enough. I answered the phone and confronted her. What she said haunts me to his day.

"What do you do for a living? A biologist? A CEO? It must be something really interesting, that's the kind of girls he dates. He says I'm crazy. Well, I'm not." She started kind of crying at that point. She kept asking me, again and again, to ask him "how is your soul?"It was actually rather disturbing. 

We did everything together. We built an entire life together. We even planned to have a child. I took the extra income from my promotion and rented us a 3BR house. Meanwhile, he isolated himself almost completely. He didn't want to meet my friends, so anytime I wanted to socialize, he'd tell me to go on ahead, he'd fine keeping himself busy at home. If I made a quick call to 'check-in' he would get a little annoyed and tell me to go have fun and don't keep calling - he wanted quiet. 

It wasn't too long after that I'd realized I was living with a complete stranger. 

Chapter #2 - Idealization - The First Stop in the Narcissist's Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of narcissistic abuse consists of four phases, each one engineered to break you down.

1.  Idealization 
2.  Devaluation  
3. Discard
4. Hoovering

 In the next four blogs, we will explore those cycles thoroughly.

I've made the decision to incorporate parts of my experience in hopes to provide you with real-life examples. I will not be using real names and I won't go into the entire story, only parts relating to the cycle. 

I am also more than happy to answer any questions or clarify the content if you need. Part of my healing has largely been about awareness and helping others avoid similar fates to mine, so just ask. Now, let's dive into the material of the first phase.

Idealization 

From the first moment they meet you the narcissist has been concocting a devious plan to snare you in their trap. By definition, the word idealization means to put a person on a pedestal as a hero of some sort. In order to lure you into the trap, the narcissist has to use some sort of bait. This process is described with phrases like love bombing and the soulmate effect. 

In the event you feel foolish for succumbing to the charade, please know that you are not alone. We are insanely huge in number. You also aren't dumb for not seeing the signs either. A Narc does a terrifyingly perfect job while executing their plan. 

During this phase, the Narc will use a few tools in his ever-growing arsenal to achieve his or her goal. Let's take a look at a few:

Love Bombing

Once they turn on that award-winning charm possessed and perfected by Narcs all over the world, you will become putty in their hands. You will be showered with adoration and gifts. The Narc will wine and dine you at the best restaurants. You'll get numerous texts and calls to let you know they are thinking of you; that they can't get you off their mind. You will be complimented on anything and everything from the tone of your voice to the way you dress. 

The Soulmate Effect 

Everything about their actions will lead you to believe this is it! The love of a lifetime! This tactic will make everything feel like a dream come true. He or she will claim to have every interest you do, share every passion you have. Are you a devout Catholic? So are they! The Narc will share the same views on politics, social issues - basically everything and anything.

This is where they tell you they have fallen deeply in love with you - never mind the fact you've only known each other a few weeks. You begin to experience what you believe is deep intimacy and soul-deep understanding of one another. You've never known such a sense of belonging. 

This is where the real manipulation begins. By establishing a sense of unbreakable trust, the Narc allows you to confide in them all of your deepest and darkest fears and insecurities as well as your secrets. It is by way of these that he or she will target your needs and vulnerabilities. 

All of these feelings give you such an incredible high that you quickly become addicted to their very existence.  However, all of this is simply an illusion - an extremely temporary one at that. This is where your value as a source of supply is discovered and a roadmap of destruction is created. 

This behavior becomes erratic and less frequent appearances through the next phase - devaluation. They continue to come and go for three specific reasons:

1. To be used as a means to keep you trauma bonded - a bond that is the result of such a cycle of abuse. When the abuse begins, it occurs so quickly that you begin to justify the behavior or even blame yourself.
2. To keep you on eggshells around them, constantly trying to earn back your 'soulmate' to replace the monster.
3. To trap you into staying with the hopes of restoring that love you believe you have lost. 

By constantly returning to this behavior, the Narc keeps you focused on how amazing it once was and hopes of turning things back around. It's easier to walk away from a situation where kindness and concern for your well-being are never shown. If you have no reason to believe this person will never change there's no reason to stick around. 

This manipulation occurs gradually and almost without notice to systematically lower and eventually erase your boundaries entirely. You find your belief of being soulmates causes you to drop your guard so the Narc can gather all the info they will ever need to build the roadmap to your demise. By returning to the love fest, the Narc is able to continue to disarm and confuse you.

It's Not Your Fault

You're not a fool to have fallen for this technique. The manipulation is so perfect and seamless that even the smartest people with the highest levels of self-esteem fall victim as quickly and easily as you did. In my personal experience as a victim of narcissism, I found myself accepting of treatment and behavior that I had never previously or since tolerated - leading me to wonder what the hell happened? How did I lose control? 

This isn't even the worst of it. We'll dive into the evaluating stage in the next chapter. Hang in there....

Chapter #1 What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

Believe it or not, Narcissists are victims themselves. 

There has been much debate as to how someone develops Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Although some believe it's genetic, I'm personally not so sure. I supposed if pressed to answer, I'd have to say...sorta? 

It's not uncommon for NPD to run in the family, spanning generations. That fact itself would suggest it may actually be genetic, but is it?  At the moment, there is no definitive answer to that question. One thing that nearly all experts agree on is NPD is most likely a trauma response. 

Let's consider the Narcissist - they don't see the world and the people in it like others do. The Narc bases your value based on what they stand to benefit from you. They do not value you as an individual, as a companion, or a partner. They aren't able to form an emotional bond. The entire world is a sort of temp agency providing new sources of supply.

Childhood Environments 

The type of family environment an individual is raised in has a huge impact on forming who they are at a core level - it molds a child's sense of self and security. Loving, nurturing environments typically produce people who are secure, have high levels of self-worth, and the ability to form healthy emotional bonds. Children raised in hostile, unstable environments don't typically fare as well, unfortunately.

Narcs don't only victimize their significant others, they also mistreat and abuse their children as well. Narcissists are incapable of forming emotional attachments with their children. Typically the children are seen as a tool used to garner attention or further their need for superiority. 

Love is Strictly Conditional

When you are a subservient child who makes the Narc look good, you are showered in adoration and praise. Unfortunately, this is quite temporary. In fact, most of these children become to believe that nothing is good enough. Living with the constant pressure to behave and perform perfectly, children end up developing anxiety and lack any real sense of security and stability. You got straight A's. Cool, but did anyone in your class get an A+? Try harder. 

They are not allowed to explore any interests that don't garner the Narc parent status. Instead of being supportive of the interests of their child, they are only supported for high achievements. The Narc only wants their child to do things that give them bragging rights. 

This results in the child only feeling they have any worth if they are winning. In their adulthood, most will confuse success with happiness. This leaves them without any kind of self-identity and ultimately the absence of joy in any accomplishments. 

Devaluating and Unreasonable Expectations 

This kind of environment differs from the one we just explored. In this house, the Narc parent is usually irritable, easily angered, and has unrealistic (and sometimes unobtainable) expectations of their children. 

A Nawrc parent will typically pit their children against each other. They rotate the position of the golden child frequently and abruptly. While the golden child is healed in high regard, the other children are devalued and often shut out emotionally. Due to the rapid changes in the pecking order, these children are lacking security and spend their entire childhoods walking around the Narc parent and trying to placate them. 

This creates adults with feelings of inadequacy, humiliation, and shame. Think about the movie Pretty Woman. Richard Grier's character is a businessman who has made his fortune by buying up and subsequently breaking companies. More than the money, he revels in destroying the life's work of the previous owner. Why does he do this? Easy - because all of these companies are used as substitutes for the pure hatred and rage he has for his father. Then, he goes and gets himself in love with a hooker. This is a very typical narc move - they only show love to women they can "save" whore significantly beneath them in status. 

Both of these environments produce children who are never taught empathy or love for love's sake. In order to escape from the shame and rage, they become impulsive adults with high tendencies to become either alcoholics or drug addicts.

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They are left with stunted development of real-self. Instead of learning who they really are and where their true interests and talents lie, they get off track entirely and spend their time only doing things they are already good at and could potentially earn them their parent's approval.   

As adults who often harbor those feelings of inadequacy and shame, they create a false persona who is superior to everyone around them. This sense of superiority is fueled and maintained by the devaluation of others.

Hurt People Hurt People

Justifiable or not - that is common with these products of the environments we've explored here.

When a child is not given and shown how to love, it leaves them unable to form healthy emotional attachments. Trauma has many forms - childhood trauma has a huge impact on how you see the world and view your place in it. This is a trauma response. 

This is why the Narc is a victim too. Don't get me wrong, it in no way excuses their behavior. Unfortunately, people with NPD feed on pity and sympathy and will use their past to garner as much as possible. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can save them - you can't. You'll never be able to.

Why? 

Because the Narc is incapable of feeling for anyone or anything other than him, or herself. You are a pawn to the Narc, plain and simple. In my opinion, the abuse and trauma from parents that form narcissistic personalities in these children are horrifying. There are many parallels between these environments and group homes (both can produce narcissists) Children who grow up without being loved are broken in the most horrible ways possible. 

So that covers the causes of NPD. In the next installment, we will learn about the abuse cycle and focus on the first phase: Idealization.

You are loved.