...And We Keep Movin' On.

After lots of consideration, I decided the best thing to do was to move out...and move on.

Because of who I am, I decided at the last minute when we were leaving and even worse - to pack. I spent my final night in Chicago saying my goodbyes. After 40 years of relationships and roots, the only people I had any desire to say goodbye to were my old boss and co-workers at the job I lost back in August. I grabbed my newly 21-year-old son and went to sit at the bar there for a bit and reminisce. It was awesome.

I got home before 11pm and took a tiny nap only to wake at 2 am to finish backing all I could fit into 4 suitcases and 2 carryon bags to take with us, leaving the other important things behind for my son to put in storage until a date undetermined. At 5 am we hit the road to the Greyhound bus station to take a 9-hour bus ride to Minneapolis, MN.

Jax was amazing for the long ride - I expected him to get cranky and restless but he did great. We laughed and talked a lot, truly enjoying the trip. It wasn't until 4:30 pm that we finally reached our destination and got off the bus to collect our bags.

When we got there, Jax's dad picked us up. This was the first time we had seen each other in a year. We spoke at length on the phone prior to the trip to work out the details and specifics. Needless to say, we were both uncertain about how things would go. 

We were together for 7 years and saw each other at our absolute lowest. It got so bad after a while that we couldn't even speak. Awful things were done to one another - hearts and trust were broken badly. But despite the crazy-making, there was always something there -something each of us carried independently in our hearts, refusing to let go.

It was a very emotionally charged 48 hours that followed. I was absolutely shocked by how well things were going. I still kinda am. It's been great.

Remember how I said in a previous blog that the universe gives you hints to guide you into change? Well, if you don't get those hits and refuse to follow the path, it will rock your world and force that change into motion. I am certain that was what happened.

Within 3 days I had a job - I couldn't find one to save my life in Chicago. Everything started falling into place. It seems life is easier when you stop fighting yourself.

Jaxon will be spending Christmas with his dad's side of the family for the first time in years - a family who, by the way, took me back with open arms. I'm happy. Crazy, right?

In the next blog, I'll be discussing the transition pains and the process of repairing a broken marriage. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it's easy. In fact, sometimes it doesn't even mean you should be with them.  But it's been a helluva ride since July.

"Of all the sad things I have ever heard, 'I used to be happy' is the most heartbreaking of all."
-Nikita Gill

I don't want to hear those words come out of my mouth ever again.

My Dear Little Girl...

I was given a journal assignment today in a class I'm taking. The assignment was as follows:

"What is the best piece of advice you would give to a young girl about finding her way? Often our life lessons can become her life manual.

Don't be scared to guide, encourage and coach others through difficult times. Just because you aren't perfect, doesn't mean that your advice cannot be healing for someone else."

What poured from my mind to the page amazed me: 

Wow. That is huge. I'd say - Don't ever lose sight of you. Don't let them tell you your dreams are stupid - they just can't dream as big and bright as you. YOU ARE NOT UGLY, OR FAT, OR STUPID. You are an amazing bunch of stardust that the heavens put together on purpose to be and do great things. 

They say these things because they are afraid to shine as brightly as you do. All the things- all the dumb reasons why the other kids say they don't like you? One day they will be the very things that draw people to you. 

You can never be too smart - But you can be too arrogant and judgemental. You can never be too different - but you can be too cold and heartless. Never raise yourself at the risk of another human being. The best thing you will ever be us you. You are enough. 

Kids are mean, baby girl. They don't like things that outshine them. Sometimes it's easier to try to dim your light than polish their own. It might not make sense now, love - but it's usually because someone is hurting them too.

Surround yourself with people who are kind; people you want to be like. Eventually, you'll find they want to be like you too. Learn to accept love as easily as you give it. Remember - we teach people how to treat us. Never settle for less than amazing. AND NEVER, EVER, EVER let another person determine your worth. 

You are a star shining brightly in the galaxy. Try to remember that the galaxy is huge. There's plenty of room for the other stars who are learning how to shine. Never purposely eclipse them. Whenever you can, help them learn how to shine. It will only make you shine brighter. 

Go with love, my girl. Be your destiny.

Hmmm. How about that? It's never too late to tell that little girl.

Love you all.

Goodbye, My Friend - Fare Thee Well

Tomorrow ties up the final loose end - the checking account. Should have been done a year ago, but it wasn't, so here we are. I really want it civil - kind even - he was my best friend.  Funny - two innately good people meet and absolutely destroy each other... That is exactly what we did, we emotionally destroyed one another. I guess that's what abuse can do to people. It was one hell of a ride though...

When we first met, it was electric. The moment I looked at him I knew it was going to end badly - that's why I blew him off. I'm glad he was so persistent though. We forever changed each other. I wonder if either of us fully understood the path it would take if we still would have gotten on board...

I used to think of it as a 'right person, wrong time' thing. It wasn't. There will never be a right time for the two of us - but I can't say he wasn't the right person. When two people like he and I get together it goes one of two ways: they eventually take over or destroy the world together... or they destroy each other. Maybe our past experiences damaged us so much that when we collided, we didn't know how to operate the damn thing. I'll never know.  I can say he is a good person and have it carry weight because I'd wager no one had ever loved him as much or ever been so totally hurt by him as I was - and I still believe he's good.

I knew it would go badly - I just never thought it would be so final. I always thought there would be some ties - family, friends... but there are none. I will never speak to him or see him again.

I want - no, I need - it to be on good terms. The last memory needs to be positive. I want to tell him I'm glad to have had this experience with him. I want to thank him for loving me.

I cannot offer things like I may in other situations. I can't say "I'll always be your friend" or "If you ever need me, all you have to do is call" because it would be a lie.The best I could offer up is "If you ever need me, look for the brightest star in the sky. Smile and I will be with you in your heart" and I won't say that either... because it sounds stupid as all fuck.

It will be strange. Sad even - but I won't cry. I've cried over him, over us enough. I'm too tired to do it again and there is no point.

I want to say - I'm really sorry we destroyed each other. I'm sorry we let it get so viciously nasty when we always swore we would never be those people. I'm sorry geography and life circumstance separated us so detrimentally. Most of all, I want to say I'm sorry that two of the strongest people I've ever known couldn't be strong enough to see it through.

But still, I do not regret any of it. I do not wish for a different ending or another chance. Every force in the damn universe screamed that we could not stay in that place together - that the end was in fact inevitable - we should be grateful that it was only this harsh... to try again would surely have meant bloodshed at the next stop. This one will do nicely, thank you.

Neither would it have served either of us any better to have broken it off any sooner. We tried that before and it left such a bitter aftertaste of longing and regret - so many what if's and somedays... At this point, there is no question. We were what we wanted; we gave what we gave - until there was nothing left. We now can finally move on unhindered. We can now peacefully let go.

Life will beat the shit out of you if you don't have a sound battle plan or the ability to truly roll with the punches and accept what comes unequivocally. I know this to be true because for a time, I had the best battle partner and we still lost.

I guess this is what they mean by people being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Although we may never know what the reason was - or even what fucking season it was -it is for certain it was not meant for a lifetime. But we were clearly neither a mistake nor an accident. The sun and moon do not suddenly collide one day by chance, taking the world by surprise all because some idiot forgot to lock the front door. There is a trajectory there apparent to everyone except maybe the sun and the moon themselves. The rest of the world saw that shit coming - scientists accurately predicted the outcome - but the moon was too distracted by the brilliant light and the heat of the sun to see it coming - just as the sun was to busy marveling over the mystery and cold comfort of the moon to pay attention to much else.

We could have been perfect, but not in this world.

I smile as I say "Thank you for loving me - goodbye my friend. You'll find what you are looking for one day. I will too."