Chapter #4 - Stage 2 - Devaluation - Gaslighting

 So, now that the love-bombing is over, what happens next? 

Devaluation 

According to Oxford, the definition of devaluation is "the reduction or underestimation of the worth or importance of something" 

Coincidentally, the use of 'something' rather than 'someone' is extremely accurate when it comes to the narcissist. I've said it before and will say it again in order to stress the importance - to the Narcissist you are not valued as an individual, only as a source of 'supply'. What that 'supply' is, varies on a case by case, Narc by Narc basis, but primarily it attention either publicly (fame, recognition, etc) or privately (admiration, fear, etc). 

The two most important vocabulary words for this stage are gaslighting and trauma bonding.Because both gaslighting and trauma bonds are huge parts of the devaluation stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle, I've dedicated each of them their own chapter. In this chapter, we'll focus on gaslighting.

Gaslighting

The term gaslighting stems from the American psychological thriller movie aptly titled, 'Gaslighting'. According to Wikipedia, it follows a young woman whose husband manipulates her into believing that she is decendng into insanity. Paula (the wife) was raised by worl-famous opera singer Alice Alquist (her aunt) after the death of her parents in London. Alice was murdered in her home during a robbery. The robber left without the valuable jewels he killed her for after being distracted by Paula.After the murder, Paula is sent to Italy to train as an opera singer herself.

Years later, she meets and marries Gregory Anton after a two week long whirlwind romance. He insists they return to London, where Paula has no connections or family, to live in her Aunt's vacant home. To relieve her anxiety in regards to her Aunt's murder, all of Alice's things are moved to the attic. That's when things get weird. She loses an heirloom broach given to her by Gregory, despite its having been stored safely in her handbag prior to leaving for the evening. A picture disappears from its place on the wall and Gregory says she took it, one of many occasions of her removing and hiding things, despite her having no recollection of doing so. She hears footsteps coming from the sealed attic, and sees the gaslight dim and brighten for no apparent reason. Gregory insists its her imagination. 

Gradually, he isolates her completely from the outside world for her 'own good' because her nerves have been acting up. he then accuses her of becoming a kletomaniac. When any one expresses an interest in her, he makes a scene... On the occasion he does take her out to a friends party, he shows Paula his watch chain, from which his watch has mysteriously disappears, Gregory 'finds it' in her handbag, causing her to become hysterical and he takes her home. Paula begins to believe she should not go out in public. He also convinces her that their young maid hates her. 

What Paula doesn't know is that her husband is really Sergis Bauer, the man who murdered her Aunt. He married her with the intention of getting Alice's jewels. He employs a cunning strategy to convince his wife that she is going mad, hoping to have her institutionalized, giving him power of attouny over her, allowing him to search for the jewels without her interference. The only thing that saves Paula is the intervention Scotland Yard officer Cameron, a childhood friend of her Aunt's from childhood. He comes to check on her one day and confirms that the things she is seeing are real and that she is not losing her mind, 

Now, without going much deeper into the movie plot (I recommend seeing it to anyone who wants much clearer depiction of what gaslighting looks like), let's take a moment to see how this would unfold in the devaluation stage of the Narcissitic cycle of abuse. 

In an effort to weaken the defences of the supply, the Narc begins the manipulation of the victim once they are 'hooked'. The victim will start to notice incidents of cruelty in the relationship. Little snarky and hurtful remarks here and there are easily justified, however. The victim often defends and justifies the behavior to others by saying things like:

        "He's just having a hard time at work, he doesn't mean to be like that."

        "I know how it sounds, but he had a rough childhood. He was abused badly and sometimes he just                 says things like that. He's just venting"

Often times, the victim will even take the blame for the behavior, believing their actions or words have made the Narc behave in such ways.

        "It's my fault, really. I was lazy and didn't clean up like he wanted me to."

        "If I had been more attentive to his needs, rather than my own, he wouldn't say such things."

I think you get it. 

When the two of you go out with friends, the Narc may suggest forgoing calories and having a salad 'for your own good, you've been putting a little weight on' or that 'going out for dinner was a good call. There's no reason we ALL needed to endure your cooking' 

Perhaps it is comes way of back-handed compliements such as 'You look amazing in that blue dress, it's a far better choice than the white one you were going to wear. I don't want to be seen with a pig' or 'You are so much prettier when you don't cake all that makeup on your face. It makes you look like a clown."

There are times where no kindness is offered at all - just cruelty. When asked why the Narc yelling so loudly, the response may be 'If you would listen the first time, I wouldn't have to yell all the time.' Eventually, everything becomes the blame of the victim. Why did the Narc cheat? Because you just don't give him what he needs because you are lazy/fat/sick, etc. 

Here's list of phrases used in gaslighting. If you're in a relationship or have been previously with a Narcissist, I'm certain you will recognize a few of these:

• Stop being so insecure
• I'm just joking
• You're making things up
• You aren't making any sense
• Stop trying to confuse me
• You never remember things correctly
• You have a very active imagination
• You're always trying to pick a fight
• I'm not going through this again
• Why would you let something so stupid come between us?
• You're making this more of a big deal than it is
• Get over it already 
• I never said/did that
• You never told me that
• You are confusing me with someone else

Sound familiar? 

It doesn't matter how intelligent you are, what your status in life is, how much money you have, anyone can fall victim to this behavior. Personally, I have a degree in psychology and it didn't spare me. In fact, I'd never allow previously (or will ever again) for anyone to ever treat me in such a manner. However, if told how stupid/fat/useless a person is long enough, they eventually begin to believe them. Why else would the person you love say such things? 

But why do victims stay with their Narc partner? The answer is because of trauma-bonding.  In Chapter #5 we will dive deep into what a trauma bond is and what it does to the victim. Once we've gone through both of these, I'll share my personal experience with them. 

I don't care what anyone says otherwise...YOU ARE ENOUGH

Chapter #3 - Idealization follow-up - My Experience

How the First Stage Looked in My Experience

Initially, my ex and I connected (of all places!) on Myspace sometime during 2006. 

We had mutual online friends and eventually, we ended up chatting. Fortunately for him, I was very eager to divulge my vulnerabilities. I viewed the concept of online-only friends as a safe place. You could tell them absolutely anything without fear of repercussion because you'd never meet them in real life... Well, let this be a lesson for all of us. 

Our relationship kicked into high gear around 2009 as my mom was dying. I was traveling back and forth between Illinois and Florida to spend time with her. This was truly an awful time in my life. While all of that was going on, I was also breaking up with someone. As I posted little updates about my mother's condition and things of that nature I'd get a lot of responses. However, the most encouraging were all from him. 

It got to a point where I'd wait for those responses; the banter. His words were so encouraging and sweet. He would call me on occasion, always pretending to be a military recruiter of some sort, and just crack me up. He was amazing. 

Someone asked me something about my relationship with him and it struck me... I don't remember the question exactly, but I remember (although we weren't together at the time) my response perfectly. I said our relationship was great at the beginning. He was so sweet and kind. It wasn't always terrible. That's why I kept coming back to it. I had never felt so loved in my life.

Our relationship progressed so quickly - we had only met in person two times before we decided he was going to move in. It was a weird time, honestly. I had two teenage boys, one of which had some dad issues, and was under the impression that he had a say in what happened in my personal life. He didn't want to see his mom get hurt so behaved like a little jerk to any man who got within 40 ft of me. I think both my son and my ex saw right through one another. This set the stage for a lot of conflicts. 

It was hard to determine a lot of the little pokes he made. We were both drinking for quite a bit initially, I stopped when it was time for normal life to resume, he continued. This created a lot of conflicts as well. He drank way too much. 

He disclosed a fair amount of information on past relationships; in which every single one he was abused or otherwise victimized, The women were horrible creatures who took advantage of him, were spiteful, even violent. He'd always end the tail with the same lines - How he feels so bad for those women, how he just tried to help. At least all but one - his most recent ex. 

She would call constantly, most often when she was drinking, leaving long, crazy, and angry voicemails. One day I decided enough was enough. I answered the phone and confronted her. What she said haunts me to his day.

"What do you do for a living? A biologist? A CEO? It must be something really interesting, that's the kind of girls he dates. He says I'm crazy. Well, I'm not." She started kind of crying at that point. She kept asking me, again and again, to ask him "how is your soul?"It was actually rather disturbing. 

We did everything together. We built an entire life together. We even planned to have a child. I took the extra income from my promotion and rented us a 3BR house. Meanwhile, he isolated himself almost completely. He didn't want to meet my friends, so anytime I wanted to socialize, he'd tell me to go on ahead, he'd fine keeping himself busy at home. If I made a quick call to 'check-in' he would get a little annoyed and tell me to go have fun and don't keep calling - he wanted quiet. 

It wasn't too long after that I'd realized I was living with a complete stranger. 

Chapter #2 - Idealization - The First Stop in the Narcissist's Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of narcissistic abuse consists of four phases, each one engineered to break you down.

1.  Idealization 
2.  Devaluation  
3. Discard
4. Hoovering

 In the next four blogs, we will explore those cycles thoroughly.

I've made the decision to incorporate parts of my experience in hopes to provide you with real-life examples. I will not be using real names and I won't go into the entire story, only parts relating to the cycle. 

I am also more than happy to answer any questions or clarify the content if you need. Part of my healing has largely been about awareness and helping others avoid similar fates to mine, so just ask. Now, let's dive into the material of the first phase.

Idealization 

From the first moment they meet you the narcissist has been concocting a devious plan to snare you in their trap. By definition, the word idealization means to put a person on a pedestal as a hero of some sort. In order to lure you into the trap, the narcissist has to use some sort of bait. This process is described with phrases like love bombing and the soulmate effect. 

In the event you feel foolish for succumbing to the charade, please know that you are not alone. We are insanely huge in number. You also aren't dumb for not seeing the signs either. A Narc does a terrifyingly perfect job while executing their plan. 

During this phase, the Narc will use a few tools in his ever-growing arsenal to achieve his or her goal. Let's take a look at a few:

Love Bombing

Once they turn on that award-winning charm possessed and perfected by Narcs all over the world, you will become putty in their hands. You will be showered with adoration and gifts. The Narc will wine and dine you at the best restaurants. You'll get numerous texts and calls to let you know they are thinking of you; that they can't get you off their mind. You will be complimented on anything and everything from the tone of your voice to the way you dress. 

The Soulmate Effect 

Everything about their actions will lead you to believe this is it! The love of a lifetime! This tactic will make everything feel like a dream come true. He or she will claim to have every interest you do, share every passion you have. Are you a devout Catholic? So are they! The Narc will share the same views on politics, social issues - basically everything and anything.

This is where they tell you they have fallen deeply in love with you - never mind the fact you've only known each other a few weeks. You begin to experience what you believe is deep intimacy and soul-deep understanding of one another. You've never known such a sense of belonging. 

This is where the real manipulation begins. By establishing a sense of unbreakable trust, the Narc allows you to confide in them all of your deepest and darkest fears and insecurities as well as your secrets. It is by way of these that he or she will target your needs and vulnerabilities. 

All of these feelings give you such an incredible high that you quickly become addicted to their very existence.  However, all of this is simply an illusion - an extremely temporary one at that. This is where your value as a source of supply is discovered and a roadmap of destruction is created. 

This behavior becomes erratic and less frequent appearances through the next phase - devaluation. They continue to come and go for three specific reasons:

1. To be used as a means to keep you trauma bonded - a bond that is the result of such a cycle of abuse. When the abuse begins, it occurs so quickly that you begin to justify the behavior or even blame yourself.
2. To keep you on eggshells around them, constantly trying to earn back your 'soulmate' to replace the monster.
3. To trap you into staying with the hopes of restoring that love you believe you have lost. 

By constantly returning to this behavior, the Narc keeps you focused on how amazing it once was and hopes of turning things back around. It's easier to walk away from a situation where kindness and concern for your well-being are never shown. If you have no reason to believe this person will never change there's no reason to stick around. 

This manipulation occurs gradually and almost without notice to systematically lower and eventually erase your boundaries entirely. You find your belief of being soulmates causes you to drop your guard so the Narc can gather all the info they will ever need to build the roadmap to your demise. By returning to the love fest, the Narc is able to continue to disarm and confuse you.

It's Not Your Fault

You're not a fool to have fallen for this technique. The manipulation is so perfect and seamless that even the smartest people with the highest levels of self-esteem fall victim as quickly and easily as you did. In my personal experience as a victim of narcissism, I found myself accepting of treatment and behavior that I had never previously or since tolerated - leading me to wonder what the hell happened? How did I lose control? 

This isn't even the worst of it. We'll dive into the evaluating stage in the next chapter. Hang in there....