There has been much debate as to how someone develops Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Although some believe it's genetic, I'm personally not so sure. I supposed if pressed to answer, I'd have to say...sorta?
It's not uncommon for NPD to run in the family, spanning generations. That fact itself would suggest it may actually be genetic, but is it? At the moment, there is no definitive answer to that question. One thing that nearly all experts agree on is NPD is most likely a trauma response.
Let's consider the Narcissist - they don't see the world and the people in it like others do. The Narc bases your value based on what they stand to benefit from you. They do not value you as an individual, as a companion, or a partner. They aren't able to form an emotional bond. The entire world is a sort of temp agency providing new sources of supply.
Childhood Environments
The type of family environment an individual is raised in has a huge impact on forming who they are at a core level - it molds a child's sense of self and security. Loving, nurturing environments typically produce people who are secure, have high levels of self-worth, and the ability to form healthy emotional bonds. Children raised in hostile, unstable environments don't typically fare as well, unfortunately.
Narcs don't only victimize their significant others, they also mistreat and abuse their children as well. Narcissists are incapable of forming emotional attachments with their children. Typically the children are seen as a tool used to garner attention or further their need for superiority.
Love is Strictly Conditional
When you are a subservient child who makes the Narc look good, you are showered in adoration and praise. Unfortunately, this is quite temporary. In fact, most of these children become to believe that nothing is good enough. Living with the constant pressure to behave and perform perfectly, children end up developing anxiety and lack any real sense of security and stability. You got straight A's. Cool, but did anyone in your class get an A+? Try harder.
They are not allowed to explore any interests that don't garner the Narc parent status. Instead of being supportive of the interests of their child, they are only supported for high achievements. The Narc only wants their child to do things that give them bragging rights.
This results in the child only feeling they have any worth if they are winning. In their adulthood, most will confuse success with happiness. This leaves them without any kind of self-identity and ultimately the absence of joy in any accomplishments.
Devaluating and Unreasonable Expectations
This kind of environment differs from the one we just explored. In this house, the Narc parent is usually irritable, easily angered, and has unrealistic (and sometimes unobtainable) expectations of their children.
A Nawrc parent will typically pit their children against each other. They rotate the position of the golden child frequently and abruptly. While the golden child is healed in high regard, the other children are devalued and often shut out emotionally. Due to the rapid changes in the pecking order, these children are lacking security and spend their entire childhoods walking around the Narc parent and trying to placate them.
This creates adults with feelings of inadequacy, humiliation, and shame. Think about the movie Pretty Woman. Richard Grier's character is a businessman who has made his fortune by buying up and subsequently breaking companies. More than the money, he revels in destroying the life's work of the previous owner. Why does he do this? Easy - because all of these companies are used as substitutes for the pure hatred and rage he has for his father. Then, he goes and gets himself in love with a hooker. This is a very typical narc move - they only show love to women they can "save" whore significantly beneath them in status.
Both of these environments produce children who are never taught empathy or love for love's sake. In order to escape from the shame and rage, they become impulsive adults with high tendencies to become either alcoholics or drug addicts.
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They are left with stunted development of real-self. Instead of learning who they really are and where their true interests and talents lie, they get off track entirely and spend their time only doing things they are already good at and could potentially earn them their parent's approval.
As adults who often harbor those feelings of inadequacy and shame, they create a false persona who is superior to everyone around them. This sense of superiority is fueled and maintained by the devaluation of others.
Hurt People Hurt People
Justifiable or not - that is common with these products of the environments we've explored here.
When a child is not given and shown how to love, it leaves them unable to form healthy emotional attachments. Trauma has many forms - childhood trauma has a huge impact on how you see the world and view your place in it. This is a trauma response.
This is why the Narc is a victim too. Don't get me wrong, it in no way excuses their behavior. Unfortunately, people with NPD feed on pity and sympathy and will use their past to garner as much as possible. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can save them - you can't. You'll never be able to.
Why?
Because the Narc is incapable of feeling for anyone or anything other than him, or herself. You are a pawn to the Narc, plain and simple. In my opinion, the abuse and trauma from parents that form narcissistic personalities in these children are horrifying. There are many parallels between these environments and group homes (both can produce narcissists) Children who grow up without being loved are broken in the most horrible ways possible.
So that covers the causes of NPD. In the next installment, we will learn about the abuse cycle and focus on the first phase: Idealization.
You are loved.