Well, maybe I'm being over dramatic... (as if!)
We all have our struggles in life. ALL OF US.
I recently went to a psychiatrist to be treated for what I was SURE was Borderline Personality Disorder. Awesome, right? I mean, if your gonna get a mental illness, why not one of the single most difficult to treat? Turns out that was NOT the diagnosis.
I suffer from "Mid-Level Depression and Bi-Polar Type 2"
It is treatable with medication, therapy and a little self forgiveness. I'm not crazy, but my depression makes me think I am.
So, I start thinking to myself, how many other people are silently suffering from depression because they think they are simply bat shit crazy? Oh, probably a shit ton! I thought I would share my story with you and highlight a few of the unusual symptoms I had that I would not have associated with Depression.
I am moody as FUCK. I mean uber uber doober moody. I'll come home from work and see a few dishes on the counter and my brain will say, "Hey! This looks like an AWESOME time to alienate your entire family make them feel like shit for not reading your mind and cleaning off the goddamned counter! Let's get really loud, slam some shit around, but most importantly, you need to be super irrational. Now when I say irrational, I mean take it up to an eleven. Once you REALIZE you are being irrational, understand that is no place to stop! that means pursue your dreams! Go big!"
Seriously.
I start with, "Hey, you left shit all over the place (gross misrepresentation of three cups on the counter)" and end somewhere with "YOU"RE THE BIGGEST JERK I'VE EVER MET AND I WANT TO PUSH YOU OFF A CLIFF!"
That's logical, right?
The worst part is realizing that exact moment that I have gone over the edge but not being able to stop myself. I mean, why stop there?
Then there is the illogical logic. Ha. I'll ask you a question. Like a normal person, you will respond. Perhaps you will leave out details or give an incomplete answer... Brain says, "Well lookie here! Clearly what he meant by 'Oh' was 'I think you're an idiot. When you to sleep, I'm going to pack up everything WE own and leave. By the time you get up, not only will you be alone, but broke... so good luck finding me!"
Well, maybe that's a stretch for even my brain's standards... but not much.
I can't remember anything. Dates, events, conversations I'VE JUST HAD.... nothing. (unless it took place 20 years ago, then I am quite like an idiot savant) I will never be able to recall what my agenda was for today at work without use of notes or Outlook reminders, but I will NEVER forget that time in third grade where Danny Smith Depantsed you in front of the whole school and how you cried tears of shame into your beautiful paisley blouse...Isn't paisley underrated by the way?"
Which leads me to my next point. Attention span. Don't got one. I will day dream about puppies and kitties and what I could be doing later while you tell me your inner most desires. I don't mean to. I just can't.
I am not my BiPolar.
I am not my ADHD, ADD or any other combination of letters.
I am not Schizphrenic.
I have PTSD.
I am not a looney toon.
I am not a doctor. I don't even look good in white.... I am not saying that if you feel the same way there is nothing serious going on in your mind or body. What I am saying is you don't need to be afraid. Slice of Humble did a blog today on some things she went through post pardom. She's not a nut either. She's a really good friend. The point is, don't be afraid.
You don't need to feel like shit. You don't need to suffer through hours and hours of anxiety attacks like I did. You don't need to rock yourself back and forth in the dark while talking to your cat Fluffy telling him you turned out just like your crazy dead mom. WHAT?? Get help. Talk to someone.
Stress is a motherfucker, guise. I mean it! It can make you nuts. being a single mom, however rewarding, is stressful as fuck. Losing a parent, no matter how much you couldn't take their insanity, is stressful as fuck. Keeping inside dark secrets are stressful as fuck. And you know what? Thinking there is something wrong with your beautiful, intelligent self.... is stressful as fuck.
I'm on day four of an anti depressant and a sleep aid. Even the colors around me look brighter. Seriously. I laugh more. I smile more. I SNAP LESS. My doctor and I chose Prozac because it is the most 'forgiving' of all anti depressants... you can stop taking it at any time without withdrawal symptoms. So, when enough is enough, I can just stop. Ambien is my little sleep angel and I look forward to having unconscious sex or eating whilst driving to Las Vegas in an Ambien induced slumber soon. (Disclaimer: no, I do not. )
Guys, how are you feeling?
It's been a while....
Hello, Lovelies!
When I started this blog, it was meant to be a comedic outlet, a documentation of raising a few kids... But then it took a turn. Life changed. The dark side got darker. I started to write things that were depressing because they were weighing hevily on my mind and then eventually stopped writing all together because I just couldn't even bring myself to type a few words.
Well, I've made changes. Hopefully the future will be brighter. I'm sure there will be repercussions of my decisions; there always are regardless if those decisions are good or bad. I made the choice to me a single mother again, well, it was made for me, but that's really not the point. The point is that's where I am at.
My older kids are 14 and 17, so being a single mother to a couple of adolescents in my 20's and early 30's is way different than starting over at 35 with a 21 mo old. Sometimes it's way better because I'm more relaxed and experienced, other times it's just exhausting because I feel old.
I don't know where the future is going to take all of us, but I'm a little excited. Once again, my life is a blank canvas I can do anything with. Well, almost anything. I probably won't be a Victoria's Secret model or an Astronaut, but who knows? Maybe one day the space program will resume and want to put women with real bodies in some VS undies and ship us to Uranus. There's always hope!
Thanks for sticking with me, even when I wasn't funny. Even when I didn't post. thanks for your comments of support. They meant the world even when you didn't know it.
Love you guys! Look forward to bringing the funneh back...
When I started this blog, it was meant to be a comedic outlet, a documentation of raising a few kids... But then it took a turn. Life changed. The dark side got darker. I started to write things that were depressing because they were weighing hevily on my mind and then eventually stopped writing all together because I just couldn't even bring myself to type a few words.
Well, I've made changes. Hopefully the future will be brighter. I'm sure there will be repercussions of my decisions; there always are regardless if those decisions are good or bad. I made the choice to me a single mother again, well, it was made for me, but that's really not the point. The point is that's where I am at.
My older kids are 14 and 17, so being a single mother to a couple of adolescents in my 20's and early 30's is way different than starting over at 35 with a 21 mo old. Sometimes it's way better because I'm more relaxed and experienced, other times it's just exhausting because I feel old.
I don't know where the future is going to take all of us, but I'm a little excited. Once again, my life is a blank canvas I can do anything with. Well, almost anything. I probably won't be a Victoria's Secret model or an Astronaut, but who knows? Maybe one day the space program will resume and want to put women with real bodies in some VS undies and ship us to Uranus. There's always hope!
Thanks for sticking with me, even when I wasn't funny. Even when I didn't post. thanks for your comments of support. They meant the world even when you didn't know it.
Love you guys! Look forward to bringing the funneh back...
Soooo tired.
Kids will suck the life out of you. No, seriously. They do. It's a medically proven fact. Everytime you birth one of these little adorable parasites your body changes. Let me first clarify that I ADORE my little parasites... But the after effects, not so much.
Since I had Bugga, I've been sluggish. losing hair and of course, my mind. Him is just the cutest and cuddliest little critter, but man did he take his toll on me. Apparently to produce that much cute is an exhausting effort. No wonder there aren;t more cute kids... moms just aren't up to it.
"So... on a scale of 1 to diabetic shock, how cute do you want your kid to be? Keep in mind that the cuter the baby, the longer the effects on your body..."
"I'll settle for a 5...wait, no. A 7."
You're welcome, Ugga Bugga. Your momma said let's put it at 11.
I have days lately where I want to set fire to everyone around me and put them out with a fork. The only person I don't snap at is Ugg Bugg. He's just to freaking cute. The little jerk KNOWS when I am nearing the edge and instinctively does something adorable. He will randomly break out into Gangnam Style singing the only parts he knows: "AAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY....... uh, uh, uh, uh...."
But I wanted to just share with you a few adorable things he does that makes whatever I am going through health wise worth it. The kid is hysterical.
Here's a visual:
Well, kinda. Gotta clicky this linky
Yesterday a good friend stopped by with is sister. Uggs likes to run around the house giving coy smiles and pretending how shy he is. I mean seriously coy... like hide my face and peek out with a dazzling smile coy. So my friend looks at the dog's crate and says "Why don't you just put him in there? " I told him he goes in there on his own...usually while the dog is in there. He looks a Ug Bug and says "Wanna go in the cage little guy?" Ug runs up to him with the biggest smile, rests his hand on his leg, tilts his head and smiles again. The, he hits him and runs away. Seconds later he is laying on the floor rolling around hiding his face.
I love this kid. He's my clone.
I go in for another blood test on Saturday to see is it's my thyroid or if I'm just finally transitioning into a superior life form. (I'm sure that causes sleepiness and sleeplessness...) Meanwhile, I'm Ugga Buggin' it. Forgive me if the posts aren't as frequent for a little bit.
Also, bloggers.... Check out Canopi.me. It's a new site that is trying to be to bloggers what Amazon is to shoppers... Or Pintrest is to crack head crafters. It's neat. they've syndicated me so you can find me there. It's a cool idea and it get's your work out there.
Since I had Bugga, I've been sluggish. losing hair and of course, my mind. Him is just the cutest and cuddliest little critter, but man did he take his toll on me. Apparently to produce that much cute is an exhausting effort. No wonder there aren;t more cute kids... moms just aren't up to it.
"So... on a scale of 1 to diabetic shock, how cute do you want your kid to be? Keep in mind that the cuter the baby, the longer the effects on your body..."
"I'll settle for a 5...wait, no. A 7."
You're welcome, Ugga Bugga. Your momma said let's put it at 11.
I have days lately where I want to set fire to everyone around me and put them out with a fork. The only person I don't snap at is Ugg Bugg. He's just to freaking cute. The little jerk KNOWS when I am nearing the edge and instinctively does something adorable. He will randomly break out into Gangnam Style singing the only parts he knows: "AAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY....... uh, uh, uh, uh...."
But I wanted to just share with you a few adorable things he does that makes whatever I am going through health wise worth it. The kid is hysterical.
Here's a visual:
Well, kinda. Gotta clicky this linky
Yesterday a good friend stopped by with is sister. Uggs likes to run around the house giving coy smiles and pretending how shy he is. I mean seriously coy... like hide my face and peek out with a dazzling smile coy. So my friend looks at the dog's crate and says "Why don't you just put him in there? " I told him he goes in there on his own...usually while the dog is in there. He looks a Ug Bug and says "Wanna go in the cage little guy?" Ug runs up to him with the biggest smile, rests his hand on his leg, tilts his head and smiles again. The, he hits him and runs away. Seconds later he is laying on the floor rolling around hiding his face.
I love this kid. He's my clone.
I go in for another blood test on Saturday to see is it's my thyroid or if I'm just finally transitioning into a superior life form. (I'm sure that causes sleepiness and sleeplessness...) Meanwhile, I'm Ugga Buggin' it. Forgive me if the posts aren't as frequent for a little bit.
Also, bloggers.... Check out Canopi.me. It's a new site that is trying to be to bloggers what Amazon is to shoppers... Or Pintrest is to crack head crafters. It's neat. they've syndicated me so you can find me there. It's a cool idea and it get's your work out there.
Let me leave you with this, my loves....
Just because.