Goodbye, My Friend - Fare Thee Well

Tomorrow ties up the final loose end - the checking account. Should have been done a year ago, but it wasn't, so here we are. I really want it civil - kind even - he was my best friend.  Funny - two innately good people meet and absolutely destroy each other... That is exactly what we did, we emotionally destroyed one another. I guess that's what abuse can do to people. It was one hell of a ride though...

When we first met, it was electric. The moment I looked at him I knew it was going to end badly - that's why I blew him off. I'm glad he was so persistent though. We forever changed each other. I wonder if either of us fully understood the path it would take if we still would have gotten on board...

I used to think of it as a 'right person, wrong time' thing. It wasn't. There will never be a right time for the two of us - but I can't say he wasn't the right person. When two people like he and I get together it goes one of two ways: they eventually take over or destroy the world together... or they destroy each other. Maybe our past experiences damaged us so much that when we collided, we didn't know how to operate the damn thing. I'll never know.  I can say he is a good person and have it carry weight because I'd wager no one had ever loved him as much or ever been so totally hurt by him as I was - and I still believe he's good.

I knew it would go badly - I just never thought it would be so final. I always thought there would be some ties - family, friends... but there are none. I will never speak to him or see him again.

I want - no, I need - it to be on good terms. The last memory needs to be positive. I want to tell him I'm glad to have had this experience with him. I want to thank him for loving me.

I cannot offer things like I may in other situations. I can't say "I'll always be your friend" or "If you ever need me, all you have to do is call" because it would be a lie.The best I could offer up is "If you ever need me, look for the brightest star in the sky. Smile and I will be with you in your heart" and I won't say that either... because it sounds stupid as all fuck.

It will be strange. Sad even - but I won't cry. I've cried over him, over us enough. I'm too tired to do it again and there is no point.

I want to say - I'm really sorry we destroyed each other. I'm sorry we let it get so viciously nasty when we always swore we would never be those people. I'm sorry geography and life circumstance separated us so detrimentally. Most of all, I want to say I'm sorry that two of the strongest people I've ever known couldn't be strong enough to see it through.

But still, I do not regret any of it. I do not wish for a different ending or another chance. Every force in the damn universe screamed that we could not stay in that place together - that the end was in fact inevitable - we should be grateful that it was only this harsh... to try again would surely have meant bloodshed at the next stop. This one will do nicely, thank you.

Neither would it have served either of us any better to have broken it off any sooner. We tried that before and it left such a bitter aftertaste of longing and regret - so many what if's and somedays... At this point, there is no question. We were what we wanted; we gave what we gave - until there was nothing left. We now can finally move on unhindered. We can now peacefully let go.

Life will beat the shit out of you if you don't have a sound battle plan or the ability to truly roll with the punches and accept what comes unequivocally. I know this to be true because for a time, I had the best battle partner and we still lost.

I guess this is what they mean by people being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Although we may never know what the reason was - or even what fucking season it was -it is for certain it was not meant for a lifetime. But we were clearly neither a mistake nor an accident. The sun and moon do not suddenly collide one day by chance, taking the world by surprise all because some idiot forgot to lock the front door. There is a trajectory there apparent to everyone except maybe the sun and the moon themselves. The rest of the world saw that shit coming - scientists accurately predicted the outcome - but the moon was too distracted by the brilliant light and the heat of the sun to see it coming - just as the sun was to busy marveling over the mystery and cold comfort of the moon to pay attention to much else.

We could have been perfect, but not in this world.

I smile as I say "Thank you for loving me - goodbye my friend. You'll find what you are looking for one day. I will too."

I Hope You're Happy...

I remember once that the thought of not being able to share my day with you was more than I could bare. It's been nearly two months now since we've even had a conversation. I haven't replaced you as my confidant - I keep to myself.

Two months - so many things I've wanted to tell you - so many times I've had to stop myself from sending a text. Two months since I've heard your voice.

Four years, several hundred miles - and this is the longest we've ever one without talking. The impossible has become possible - manageable even.

So strange when I think about it. While a few thins have changed, most have stayed the same, you just don't know. The house is a little more empty without your presence in it. We still laugh, just not with you. We still talk - just about different things. we've kept moving - just in a different direction. I hope you have too.

I hope you remember  to never stay still for too long. I hope you're getting up on time for work and that your feet don't hurt too badly. Remember your worth, even though I'm not there to remind you.

I thought you wouldn't be able to survive without us - I was wrong. I didn't think we'd be ok without you - I was wrong about that too.

We talk about you sometimes - remember the good times. None of our eyes cloud over with sadness anymore. The lack of your presence is still felt, just not to the point that the world stops any longer.

You'll meet someone - I will too. We won't be able to talk about it, though. We aren't friends. Jax will learn so many new things... Just the other day he told me about a planet he learned about in a different galaxy - but he didn't tell you about it. Sadly, he didn't get tot tell his dad either.

Musefi - that's what it was called. Just out of nowhere he told me - it was so cool. I always figured he'd be telling you about these things. Hell, I thought he'd be telling his dad too. I was wrong on that as well.

But we're still doing ok. We laugh, we talk... you're just not here to share it.

I know I talk like you've died - maybe in a way you have - but only to us.

I used to tell you the opposite of love is not hate - it's indifference. It still is, I've just found that I couldn't be indifferent to you. I wanted to hate you, but that didn't feel right either.

I have hope for you instead.  I hope you're happy. I hope you're good. I hope you get what you wish for, that you're well understood. Whatever your progress - I know you'll be fine. I hope you're happy - even if you're not mine.

I'm saying thank you. I'm saying we're ok. I'm asking you to keep moving, find joy in things you normally wouldn't, and think of us when you do.

I'm saying good-bye - because we never got to. You're going to be just fine - and we will too.