The Search For Sprout... or How My 16-Month Old Runs me...

Last year Ugga Bugga's dad and I got Direct Tv at a great price. We went with Comcast for internet because they were running a special as well.

Well, It's over now. I think we are paying like $50 for internet and $100 for TV. KTHANKSNO.

So I did what anyone would do, I called Comcast and asked them what kind of discounts I could get by bringing them my TV service. She told me about a great package that was $70/mo or something and I got excited.

Then it occurred to me...

"Does that include PBS Sprout?" I ask.

She says no... That's a second tier channel. (WHAAAAT???) Well good job Comcast. Way to take advantage of insane parents who are sleep deprived. I am certain that no single or childless person opts to be upgraded to second tier programming because they are worried they will miss out on the crazy antics of Chica the Chicken on the fucking Sunnyside Up Show.

Ok. So I start investigating more. She offers me a package that is $99 for cable, telephone andiInternet. I told her I don't need a phone, I just want cable and Internet. She tells me that by getting this package I am eligible for a $250 Visa gift card. Again, I politely decline. So she moves on to what she refers to as 'Double Play' packages. These include just cable and Internet. That package is $99 as well.

What. Whut? Why?

She goes on to explain it has everything the Triple Play Package has, minus the phone, and the Visa gift card is $50. Then she instructs me that it would just make more sense if I signed up for the phone service. Oh, would it? I guess it would if I needed a fucking phone. I'm sure I could get a great deal on Jock Itch medication too, but seeing as that I have no dick, I'd likely pass.

While all this is going on, Ugga Bugga is in the background watching Thomas and Friends, dancing and clapping along to the theme song. Well played Thomas. You assshole.

So I bite... Ok. I'll do it. $99, right? Sure. Whatever. Then she asks me how many TVs I have. I tell her I'll need three boxes. She asks if they are HD. I don't fucking know! Up until 2006 I had a goddamned Console Tv. Do you know what that is??? Here....

BAM motherfucker! Console TV! Dude, seriously, it worked, who cared? Now we have a bunch of TVs, but none of them are flat screens and since I'm a girl, I assume that means they are not HD. She informs me that each HD box, which is necessary to receive any channel over 100 (PBS Sprout being 135), is $9.95. Also, the modem for the fucking phone I don't want is $7/mo as well. Well, at least I see the usefulness of the $250 Visa card, which I am sure I'll have to blow a goat to get. It was at that moment I said words I have never said before in my life: I'm going to have to discuss this with my husband first.

They have me by the throat here really. I learned after a fight with AT&T a year ago that we are not serviceable. Of course, that did not stop them from selling me the service, attempting to install it for a week or two and then after telling me I was not a serviceable address (something you would think they would have known upfront) an still sending me a bill for $250.... I guess after all is said and done, I'm still saving $10 a month.

Whatever. I have to go. It's time to sell my soul to Comcast...

A Boy and His Boobs

Yesterday Middle-Son and I embarked on an adventure with a friend of mine. Initially, we just set out to go to Wal-Mart, but anytime the three of us get together, there is usually an adventure.

After running a few errands, we went to the Tilted Kilt for lunch. Woman or not, I walk in the door and feel like a racist, because they all look the same to me. Of course, My eyes never get above their shoulders. We sat for about 10 minutes and this Blonde girl who looks like Janis from the Muppets comes to our table and takes our order.

Well, that's it. It's all she did. We never really saw her again. Eventually we complained when our food came out before our sodas did. The food that came was only half right anyway. Our meal was deemed free... Of course, this is not where the Funneh lay.

Blondie comes back and looks at Middle-Child and says, "Awww, sweetie. I'm really sorry your food came out wrong. It was totally my fault. I entered the wrong thing into the computer. Hee hee!"

Middle-Boy just kind of blinked a few times an then looked at me. I shrugged. When she walked away he said to me..."Of course it was her fault. The alternative being what, that it was MY fault she entered it wrong into the computer? Seriously. What the hell is wrong with her???"

 Another waitress came by to take over and Middle-Boy swears he's seen her before somewhere. I had to tell him that all TK girls look the same. Let's be honest, did you even notice what color her eyes were? he replies." uh, Double D?"

Then we went to Wal-mart. I fucking hate that place. First, way to make me feel uncomfortable instantly by having some severely disfigured guy greet me at the door and try to engage in conversation. Why do they do this? Aren't you taking your job a little far? Just wiggle your fingers in a wave and go bugger off. I certainly did not come to Wal-mart  seeking intellectual conversation. You're lucky I put on pants.

Then, the nice lady in the fitting room asked me to follow her...into the men's fitting room... when I asked if I could try something on. I mention this to her and she shrugs. Ok then. Unfortunately, pants were tried on without incident.

I'm pretty sure Wal-mart is the grossest place on earth. I think I saw Honey Boo-Boo's Momma eat a box of Spice Girls. She was standing next to a woman who had the blackest, thickest, drawn on eyebrows I've ever seen. Her face was whiter than white. WTF???? Do people even look in mirrors anymore? the more disturbing thing is that people actually put some effort into looking like that. I mean, the Sharpie doesn't scribble all over her face by itself.

Ugga Bugga's Dad has decided that from here on out, he is not going to grow any facial hair. He's just going to draw on a different 'stache everyday with a Sharpie. Why should girls be the only ones to do this? I will be posting pics as soon as I convince him that it's the best idea he's ever had...

We have a few pets...

Along with 50 kids, I also have two cats and  a dog. That in it's self isn't very interesting, until you get know the three of them. I have seen less personality in a lot of people then the amount these fuzzy little fuckers possess.

We'll start with Fluffy. He is a n 8 year old Mane Coon and also a future world leader. If you have not yet become acquainted with Fluffy, you can do so HERE. He's kind of an arrogant little bastard. For as big of a cat as he is, he has a very effeminate little meow. For a long time he would sleep in Middle-Boy's room... that is until Middle-Boy got tired of Fluffy hocking up hairballs on his bedding... Then he started locking him out. One night Middle-Boy and I were home alone in our respective bed rooms and we heard Fluffy start ot meow. Then, clear as day we heard the cat say "KYYYYY-UUUHHL".

Silence.

About a minute later, Middle-Boy (Kyle) comes in, looking a little pale, and says, "You heard that, right?" I just shook my head and we let it go. Otherwise, Fluffy just kind of slinks around the house looking like an arrogant little prick. Every once and a while he'll get a little catatonic (no pun intended) and spend a prolonged period of time staring at nothing. Sometimes he'll drool. I don't worry about it anymore though...  I think he's just thinking about his investment portfolio and worrying obsessively about his IRA and 401K investments... and gun control.  Don't step on his tail though, he screams exactly like a 4 year old girl.

Tiger-Wiley is next on the list. He was kind of dumped in my lap. I was cat sitting a female cat for a friend and discovered she was pregnant one morning, as she was giving birth at 5 am in my bed, inches away from my face. Good Morning! The cat had 5 kittens. One of them must have gotten in the middle of some kind of dog vs cat territory war and garnered himself a puncture wound straight through the top of his skull at just 4 weeks of age. I was certian he wasn't going to make it through the night.

He's 4 now.

He walks around the house talking loudly in a dialect of cat that Fluffy either doesn't understand or just deems him insignificant. fucker is always making noise. One of his favorite activities is singning the song of his people between 2 and 4 am, but only Sunday through Thursday. Prick. He also used to jump into your lap looking for attention in the way of a scratch or two. Once you started, though, he would wrap his paws around you and dig in with his razor sharp claws. Then he would follow this up with biting the skin between your thumb and index finger and refuse to let go.
He's a charmer.

Last on the list is Laney the Lab. She's a dick.  If you come visit she will wait unitl you sit, run up to you, use her nose to pry your knees apart and then rub her ass between your legs. Talk about feeling violated. You are left not knowing weather your should put a single in her collar or feel violate... maybe both. She will only shit in the front yard and likes to rub the side of her body along the upstairs wall, leaving a dark line of dog yuck all along it. Gross. You clean it off and she goes right beack up there to re-lay it.

Her favorite place to eat is the cat box buffet. I swear to Gawd that I'm going to patent a new formula of dog food and get rich. I'm calling it either "Kibble and Shits" or "Pampers and Pieces." She spends more time eating Bugga's diapers out of the garbage than she does anything else.
 Then she takes all the diapers and pulls them int oher crate with her, you know... so no one finds out.

The first time we discovered this was before the bay was born. Her crate used to be in our bedroom. One night I smelled this really odd odor and mentioned it to Ugga Bugga Dada. We could not find the source of the funk. After searching, we discovered it was Laney's crate. She had condiment containers. empty bags of bread, various food containers... Turns out his dog was a fucking hoarder. Awesome. We are still waiting for TLC to come and do her intervention.

What kind of asshole pets do you guys have?  Leave stories in the form of comments below so I don't feel like a loser.

I Done Gotz Me a Blog!!!

Welcome to the Dark Side... Sorry about the misunderstanding, but as the name states, there are no cookies. It was just a clever ploy to get you here... and I see it worked.

A bit about me and what you just signed up for: I am a 34 year old mother of three who uses humor as a survival tactic. I must say, it works divinely. My boys are 17, 14 and 15 months old. Some people have a mid life crisis and buy a Corvette and don a Member's Only jacket; I apparently have a baby.

I work full time outside of the home running a call center. My educational background is in special education and behavioral disorders, so the job placement worked out perfectly.

I am living in sin with my youngest son's dad. We met online years ago on MySpace and in 2010 I convinced him to come visit me in Chicago and, well... Here we are.

What you see here will be a glimpse inside the ordinary life of someone who has an insane sense of humor. I feel like this initial blog has to be an introductory of sorts, so after I post this one, I will feel free to randomly update with the daily insanity that ensues around here.

What else should I tell you....

Fuck it. I'll let Ugga Bugga take it from here. He's a bit of a rock star....

Well,  I hope you enjoy your time here. In between blogs, I urge you to check out some friends of mine:

http://sliceofhumble.blogspot.com
http://www.wantadumpsterbaby.com/
http://theklonopinchronicles.blogspot.com/

These three beautiful and intelligent ladies are what inspired me to share my insanity with you all.

A big shout out to I Want a Dumpster Baby on the arrival of her twins... Good things DO happen to good people, yo. She is living proof. Not only inspiring, but hysterically funny.

Humble has the most gorgeous children EVER! Her little premie miracle Jedi is about the same age as Ugga Bugga. Just a doll! She's got a great out look on life.

Klonnie is a goddess. I don't know how she does it, but she does...

Anyway... Stay tuned! Tomorrow I'll post again and we'll get down to business.

'NITE!