WHUT?

I guess when you can't be sad anymore, you're just over it...You have to find this thing called acceptance, It's a really bitter pill... and trust me, I've taken may (pills). I keep thinking to myself "this is the summation of all my life's choices"... I call bullshit. I need to write a new ending to my book. I don't like this one at all. The really pathetic part is when you knew this would be the outcome, but you did it anyway...

Are some people simply just destined to unsatisfied? To make goals only to reach them with disappointment?  That doesn't sound right... In fact, it sounds like shit. Are some of us supposed to suffer for our art? If so, that would truly mean that the gifted are cursed - what a contradiction!

But it rings true, just as an old friend once said - "This is the summation of all my life's choices."

Loneliness isn't such a bad lot to be cast, that is... if you are actually alone. To be lonely while other people occupy your space is not as easy. It's like being lonely with your mom in the room. There's plenty of options, but Jesus Christ - she's always fucking watching!

Sleep is an escape... warm, welcoming - there's the option to dream. If you can achieve it anyway. But if you can't? The nights are long, crippling and unforgiving.

All my life I've longed to disappear to nowhere - a place where no one knows me. So I did, mostly. I think the brochure read a little differently than the application has proven to be. In all fairness, I suppose there are much more fun places to be anonymous than here... like, Vegas for instance. I've been anonymous there before. THAT was a good time. That's also another story completely. 

I remember a song I heard once "They say when you're alone, it's better cuz nobody knows you. When no one's your friend it's better cuz nobody leaves you. But I hear voices - and I see colors..." (wallflowers circa 1997 or 1998)  Is that a thing? Cuz I don't think so.

Human beings were not meant to operate in solitude. Everyone needs to find their people, their 'tribe', if you will. Its not a break up that has me feeling this way. Its not even self pitty driving me to write (type) these words... It's culture shock mostly. My first assessment when I arrived where I am was made at a Walmart. I thought, holy shit. I am not going to fit in here. I figured that was unfair. I mean, it was Walmart. But after a while I started to realize I live in a huge residential-zoned Walmart. One with schools and parks and... oh god. 

It is winter, though. I hear it probably will be through June. (sarcasm?)