Working Through Psychosis...

Well, maybe I'm being over dramatic... (as if!)

We all have our struggles in life. ALL OF US.

I recently went to a psychiatrist to be treated for what I was SURE was Borderline Personality Disorder. Awesome, right? I mean, if your gonna get a mental illness, why not one of the single most difficult to treat? Turns out that was NOT the diagnosis.

I suffer from "Mid-Level Depression and Bi-Polar Type 2"

It is treatable with medication, therapy and a little self forgiveness. I'm not crazy, but my depression makes me think I am.

So, I start thinking to myself, how many other people are silently suffering from depression because they think they are simply bat shit crazy? Oh, probably a shit ton! I thought I would share my story with you and highlight a few of the unusual symptoms I had that I would not have associated with Depression.

I am moody as FUCK. I mean uber uber doober moody. I'll come home from work and see a few dishes on the counter and my brain will say, "Hey! This looks like an AWESOME time to alienate your entire family make them feel like shit for not reading your mind and cleaning off the goddamned counter! Let's get really loud, slam some shit around, but most importantly, you need to be super irrational. Now when I say irrational, I mean take it up to an eleven. Once you REALIZE you are being irrational, understand that is no place to stop! that means pursue your dreams! Go big!"

Seriously.

I start with, "Hey, you left shit all over the place (gross misrepresentation of three cups on the counter)" and end somewhere with "YOU"RE THE BIGGEST JERK I'VE EVER MET AND I WANT TO PUSH YOU OFF A CLIFF!"

That's logical, right?

The worst part is realizing that exact moment that I have gone over the edge but not being able to stop myself. I mean, why stop there?

Then there is the illogical logic. Ha. I'll ask you a question. Like a normal person, you will respond. Perhaps you will leave out details or give an incomplete answer... Brain says, "Well lookie here! Clearly what he meant by 'Oh' was 'I think you're an idiot. When you to sleep, I'm going to pack up everything WE own and leave. By the time you get up, not only will you be alone, but broke... so good luck finding me!"

Well, maybe that's a stretch for even my brain's standards... but not much.

I can't remember anything. Dates, events, conversations I'VE JUST HAD.... nothing. (unless it took place 20 years ago, then I am quite like an idiot  savant) I will never be able to recall what my agenda was for today at work without use of notes or Outlook reminders, but I will NEVER forget that time in third grade where Danny Smith Depantsed you in front of the whole school and how you cried tears of shame into your beautiful paisley blouse...Isn't paisley underrated by the way?"

Which leads me to my next point. Attention span. Don't got one. I will day dream about puppies and kitties and what I could  be doing later while you tell me your inner most desires. I don't mean to. I just can't.

I am not my BiPolar.
I am not my ADHD, ADD or any other combination of letters.
I am not Schizphrenic.
I have PTSD.
I am not a looney toon.


I am not a doctor. I don't even look good in white.... I am not saying that if you feel the same way there is nothing serious going on in your  mind or body. What I am saying is you don't need to be afraid. Slice of Humble did a blog today on some things she went through post pardom. She's not a nut either. She's a really good friend. The point is, don't be afraid.

You don't need to feel like shit. You don't need to suffer through hours and hours of anxiety attacks like I did. You don't need to rock yourself back and forth in the dark while talking to your cat Fluffy telling him you turned out just like your crazy dead mom. WHAT??  Get help. Talk to someone.

Stress is a motherfucker, guise. I mean it! It can make you nuts. being a single mom, however rewarding, is stressful as fuck. Losing a parent, no matter how much you couldn't take their insanity, is stressful as fuck. Keeping inside dark secrets are stressful as fuck. And you know what? Thinking there is something wrong with your beautiful, intelligent self.... is stressful as fuck.

I'm on day four of an anti depressant and a sleep aid. Even the colors around me look brighter. Seriously. I laugh more. I smile more. I SNAP LESS. My doctor and I chose Prozac because it is the most 'forgiving' of all anti depressants... you can stop taking it at any time without withdrawal symptoms. So, when enough is enough, I can just stop. Ambien is my little sleep angel and I look forward to having unconscious sex or eating whilst driving to Las Vegas in an Ambien induced slumber soon. (Disclaimer:  no, I do not. )

Guys, how are you feeling?